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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23889172">To Be Human</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adverb_Slut/pseuds/Adverb_Slut'>Adverb_Slut</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shall We Date?: Obey Me!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Brotherly Love, Brothers, Gen, Human, human world - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:54:17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>22,516</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23889172</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adverb_Slut/pseuds/Adverb_Slut</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When a mysterious force attacks the Devildom and destroys it, the brothers are forced to turn to their Father in the Celestial Realm for answers and assistance.  However, the Almighty is still miffed at the seven due to their involvement in the Great Celestial War, and sends them to seek asylum in the one place they have yet to make their mark—the Human World.  </p><p>Without the help of their beloved MC, the brothers must learn to assimilate into this strange new world, all while trying to figure out who is responsible for the destruction of the Devildom and take back their home.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>16</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>114</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Devildom Falling</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lucifer and his brothers flee the Devildom when earthquakes and fires start up.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I've always wanted to write the brothers living in the Human World without it being an AU, so here you go!  The first two chapters are just setting up the plot and getting the <i>to</i> the Human Word, whereas the actually living starts in Chapter 3.  If anything is confusing, please let me know!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><em> Lucifer coughed, blanching at the bitter taste of blood that coated his tongue.  As he roughly wiped away the rest of the red liquid that streamed out of his mouth, he raised his head off the ground to peer at the six angels that had fought valiantly beside him.  </em> <em> Now, they laid, barely conscious, next to him.   </em></p><p><em>He swallowed a sob; this was </em>his <em>fault</em>—his <em>fault that his brothers and sister were sprawled in front of the Celestial Realm’s pearly gates</em>—<em>just a few feet away from freedom</em>—<em>with the entirety of their Father’s heavenly legions barreling closer.  </em> His <em>fault that the Great Celestial War had even happened.  Worst of all, it was </em>his <em>fault that it didn’t look like they would get out of this War alive.</em></p><p>
  <em>Carefully, he reached an arm out, trying to raise himself up into a sitting position, but his body, covered from head to toe in deep, angry wounds, couldn’t find the strength to support itself.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>A moment later, he dropped his head low in defeat when he heard the sound of his Father’s legions approaching.  Hundreds of thousands of angels, eyes ablaze and Swords of the Spirit drawn, were upon the seven renegades in seconds.   </em>
</p><p><em>Leading them was </em>him.</p><p>Michael, Angel of Destruction.</p><p>
  <em>He raised a hand to the horde of angels behind him, signaling them to stop advancing.  Michael’s golden eyes burned with remorse and justice as he took a step toward Lucifer.  He drew from its scabbard his Sword of the Spirit and pointed its blade at his brother. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It doesn’t have to be this way, Lucifer.”  Michael gulped and tightened his grip on his Shield of Faith.  His voice was raw, and it broke when he said, “Surrender.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lucifer then raised his head and summoned the last of his strength to extend his wings to cover his brothers and Lilith, as if to shield them from what was to come. He steeled himself; this was no time to appear weak.  It was time to be strong … for them.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He closed his eyes, imagining a cord of iron holding him and his voice together as he stared into the warm brown face of the angel who once had been his best friend and confidante.  </em>
</p><p><em>Counting to three, he reopened his eyes and stared into the deep yellow irises of Michael and all at once the confidence seemed to flush out of him.  All he could see when he peered at the Angel of Destruction were memories</em>.  So <em>many memories</em>—<em>memories he would never be willing to forget, despite knowing that if he let them go, this moment would be infinitely easier.  </em></p><p>
  <em>He let out a strangled gasp when Michael walked forward.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The dark-skinned angel’s steps were pained, but now, his eyes were a deep, livid, amber, tears of betrayal pooling in them.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Lucifer watched in horror as Michael raised his Sword of the Spirit above him.</em>
</p><p><em>“Wait, Michael, please.”  Lucifer choked on the words</em>—<em>he was too proud to beg, but as he turned his head behind him to look at his unconscious family, he knew that this time, it was worth it.  The Angel of Destruction paused to let him speak.  “Please, don’t hurt them.”</em></p><p>
  <em>Michael’s hands shook as he inched the sword closer to Lucifer.  “It wasn’t supposed to be this way, Luci,” he mumbled, shaking his head.  “It wasn’t supposed to be this way.”  His dark knuckles lightened as he tightened his grip on his Sword.  “You chose them over me.”  With those words, Lucifer watched his once-brother's eyes darken with horrible, horrible wrath.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer’s eyes widened in fear as Michael slammed his Sword down at him so fast that it became a blur.  Before it reached Lucifer’s neck, however, Michael paused.  </em>
</p><p><em> “You chose </em>them <em>over </em>me<em>,” he repeated.  The anger drained out of him, and Lucifer blanched when he saw the Angel of Destruction’s eyes fill with black, insidious hate.   </em></p><p>No, <em> Lucifer thought, breathing fast.  His heartbeat sped up as he watched in horror as Michael flipped his Sword so that the diamond-shaped pommel faced Lucifer. </em></p><p>
  <em> “No,” he whispered.  Sweat broke out on his forehead as he looked up at Michael, who stared at him with odiously dead eyes.  His body trembled as Michael brought the pommel of his Sword of the Spirit closer and closer to Lucifer.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Then, as the pommel met Lucifer’s forehead, he froze, overcome with a burning sensation where it had touched him, as Michael returned his Sword to its scabbard.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer knew what happened when the Angel of Destruction touched anyone with the pommel of his Sword.</em>
</p><p>
  <em> He knew that on his forehead there would forever be a mark. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A black diamond. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A terrible promise.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Oh, how Lucifer wished Michael had just killed him. </em>
</p><hr/><p>“Mammon!”  Lucifer’s voice was low but so loud that even from the House of Lamentation’s Common Room where he bellowed, everyone could hear him.</p><p>A moment later, Mammon peeked his head into the room and raised an eyebrow.  “Yeah, what?”</p><p>Lucifer held up with two fingers an incredibly skimpy pair of silk Versucci underwear, glaring at the article of clothing (if one could call it that) as if it offended him.  “What have I told you about leaving your laundry in here?”</p><p>Mammon stomped into the Common Room, raising an eyebrow in disgust.  “What makes ya so sure it’s mine, huh?”</p><p>“No one else would waste their money on such frivolous things.”  The eldest demon dropped the underwear on the couch, gagged, and slipped off his gloves, vowing to disinfect them later.</p><p>“You found them!”  Asmodeus cried, prancing into the room.  He dove toward the couch and rescued his beloved undergarments.  He nuzzled them close to his face, ignoring the eye rolls of his two brothers.  He sidled up to Lucifer and raised his eyebrows.  “I’ll reward you nicely with a good time, I promise,” he sung, winking.  </p><p>“Ha!  Ya owe me an apology, now Lucifer!”  Mammon grinned, pointing at the eldest.  His grin grew absolutely devious as he tapped his fingertips together.  “I take my apologies in the form of a check, cash, or credit.”</p><p>Before Lucifer could hush Mammon, Leviathan walked into the Common Room, his eyes glued to his D.D.D.  “Wow, Lucifer apologizing to Mammon.  I never thought I’d see the day.”  </p><p>“That’s because—Asmo, if your hand moves any lower down my body, I’ll cut it off—it’ll never happ—” Lucifer’s retort was cut short when one of the table lamps fell over.</p><p>Levi grumbled, “Hey!  Quit shaking me, guys!  It’s making me lose my concentration and I can’t defeat this final boss!”     </p><p>“Uh,” Mammon began, staring at the ground, which had begun to tremble, with his eyes wide.  “No one’s touchin’ you, Levi.”</p><p>Asmodeus clung to Lucifer tighter as the eldest demon exchanged alarmed looks with the secondborn, who had gone to secure other items which had begun to shake and topple off of the tables.  “Quick,” Lucifer asked.  “Where are the others?”</p><p>“Last I saw,” said Levi, pocketing his D.D.D when he realized that the vibrating was not just an immersive feature in his mobile game.  “Satan was in the Library.”</p><p>Asmo nodded as Lucifer tried to peel him off of him.  “And Beel and Belphie are in their room.”</p><p>“Asmo, text them and tell them to get out of the House of Lamentation, immediately.  Everyone else, follow me.”  Lucifer marched out of the Common Room on shaky legs once he ensured that the other three demons were behind him, but they didn’t get very far when a wall of flames sprung out of the ground, blocking their way.  The fire glowed an unholy black and from the crack in the floor from where the inferno had come, oozed blistering lava that glowed red and radiated heat. </p><p>Although the demons were accustomed to high temperatures in the Devildom, even <em>they </em>took a step back from the fire.  </p><p>Asmo fanned his face furiously.  “No, no, <em> no</em>.  This heat is going to absolutely <em> murder </em>my hair.”</p><p>Mammon bit his lip as he stared at the inferno.  “This ain’t no ordinary earthquake, is it?”</p><p>“I don’t think it’s an earthquake at all,” Lucifer admitted.  “Otherwise I would’ve told us to take cover, not evacuate.”  He brushed the sweat off his forehead and sighed.  “We’re going to have to go above the flames.  Mammon, you carry Levi.”</p><p>For once, Mammon didn’t complain at the order and transformed into his demon form, hooking his hands under Levi’s arms and flying above the wall of fire.  Lucifer and Asmodeus flew behind him.</p><p>“Hey, this is like that one time in <em> Ruri-chan’s Magical Adventure To the Land of Disney Where She Was Kidnapped by Mortimer Mouse</em>—”  Levi explained.</p><p>He was cut off by Mammon, who quipped, “Levi, if you don’t shut up, I’m gonna drop ya.”</p><p>The four made it safely on the ground on the other side of the fire and lava and as Lucifer silently took a headcount, Asmo walked out the door and peered down the hallway.  He groaned and said, “All the paintings on the walls fell down—even that totally sexy one with the naked imp.”</p><p>Mammon stood on his tiptoes to see over Asmodeus and rolled his eyes.  “Maybe also mention that there’s fire blockin’ both ends of the hallway, huh?”</p><p>“Is there enough room between the ceiling and fire so that you guys can fly above it?”  Leviathan wondered.  </p><p>“Maybe for <em>me </em>and my slender figure,” decided Asmo.  “But definitely not you guys.  There’s barely an inch to squeeze through.”</p><p>Indeed, the towering flames licked the ceiling on both ends of the hallway.  Unfortunately for the brothers, both ends led to possible exits out of the House of Lamentation.</p><p>“I sure hope Satan, Belphie, and Beel got out okay,” Mammon muttered nervously.</p><p>The perspiration on Lucifer’s forehead turned cold with his younger brother’s words.  <em> No.  </em> He was not going to lose his brothers—not even <em>almost </em>like last time.  He clenched his hands into fists and racked his brain to figure out a way to get out of the House safely.  “The North Staircase is in this hall.  Is it blocked by the flames?  Or the smoke?”</p><p>“Nope,” reported Mammon.  “Well, sorta.  The fire kinda splits the staircase’s entryway down the middle.  And it’s weird: there’s no smoke <em>anywhere.</em>”</p><p>Lucifer sighed, silently thanking Father that they didn't have to worry about smoke.  Nevertheless, there was still another issue.  “Then the fire will spread and engulf the rest of the entrance any minute.”</p><p>“That’s the strange thing,” Levi noticed.  “It doesn’t look like the fire’s moving.  Maybe it’s just an illusion—that’s happened in some games I played before.  Although …” he paused and showed the singed bottom of his shoes, and everyone gagged at the scent of burned rubber.  “Maybe not.”</p><p>Asmo pulled out from his pocket a bottle of perfume to cover up the smell.  “It’s gardenia and hyacinth,” he explained.  “And also, my wonderful self has a thought: what if the fire isn’t spreading because it’s black?  Clearly it’s not normal fire.”</p><p>“That’s true,” Lucifer agreed.  “Alright, well since it’s not spreading, perhaps then it should be fine if we go up the North Staircase, provided we don’t accidentally clip the fire on our clothes or the like.”</p><p>Mammon nodded.  “Yeah, that leads right into the Planetarium.  If we bust open a couple a’ windows in there, we can get outta here.”</p><p>“Hey, did anyone notice that the shaking stopped?”  Levi asked.</p><p>However, the tremors began again just as the boys began to bolt up the North Staircase.  A general uproar went up among the four as they tumbled down the stairs <em>multiple </em>times, for butts smushed faces, tails were stepped on, and wings were bent in uncomfortable positions.  </p><p>After twenty-three unsuccessful attempts, the brothers made it to the top of the staircase and were in the Planetarium.  The trembling had already caused the glass that composed the ceiling to shatter, and even though black fire filled this room as well, they were able to fly through the crumbling windows to safety.  </p><p>As soon as Mammon set Leviathan on the ground—which also was afflicted by the quaking—several feet outside the House of Lamentation’s gate, he scanned the area for the other three brothers.  “Where are they?”  He flipped out his D.D.D.  “Damn it, I've got no signal out here.”</p><p>Lucifer peered at his own D.D.D in alarm, dodging a flyaway tree branch.  Normally, he was able to make a call anywhere in the Devildom, but today, his device read <em> NO SERVICE.  </em>“Me neither.”</p><p>“Same here,” chimed Levi, who leaned against Mammon for support amidst all the shaking.</p><p>Asmo’s face crumbled as he, too, shook his head in agreement.  “This is terrible!  How am I supposed to post about my trauma on Devilgram?”  </p><p>Lucifer looked at him sternly.  “You <em> were </em>able to text Satan and the others to get out, though, right?”</p><p>“Yes, that was the last message that went through,” Asmodeus moaned.</p><p>Mammon’s tan skin paled.  “Holy Father, what if they didn’t make it out or somethin’?  What if they’re still tr—trapped?  <em> What if they’re all alone in the fire and are meltin' in the scor</em>—”</p><p>“Relax, Mammon, we’re here.”  Satan waved as he walked up behind them, Belphie and Beel in tow. </p><p>An enormous weight fell off Lucifer’s shoulders as he and Mammon sighed in relief.  He turned to his most intellectual brother, “Good to see you all.  Any idea what happened?”</p><p>Satan shook his head.  “Not a clue.  It can’t be natural, though.  Those flames obviously aren’t.  And these earthquakes—” he was interrupted by another round of shaking, causing him to lose his balance.  If it wasn’t for Lucifer’s graceful reflexes, the fourthborn demon would have fallen flat on his face.  Satan blushed at the support and pushed his brother away.  “—are not possible in the Devildom, considering this realm isn't on Earth and doesn’t have to worry about tectonic plate shifting and such.”</p><p>“A good way to avoid falling down all the time like Satan—” Beel, who was in his demon form and carrying Belphie a few feet off the ground, began.</p><p>“—not all the time, Beel!” Satan’s blush deepened.</p><p>“—is for those of us with wings to fly up with those of us who don’t.  That way when the ground shakes, you can’t lose your balance,” finished Beel.</p><p>Lucifer nodded at the suggestion and flapped his wings to get himself a few feet off the ground.  “Mammon, you carry Levi, and Asmo, you get Satan.  Beel’s already got Belphie.”</p><p>After it had been done, Mammon asked, “Okay, now what do we do?”</p><p>Lucifer thought for a moment.  Normally, long before this point, he would call Diavolo to see what was going on, but since it seemed that for some reason, the cell service had been cut off, phone calls were impossible.  “I say we go pay Lord Diavolo a visit.”</p><p>Belphegor sighed.  “We’re going to R.A.D?”  </p><p>“No, Diavolo should be in his Castle today—it’s not a school day, after all.”  </p><p>As the seven brothers made their way to the Demon Lord’s Castle, they were shocked to see the rest of the Devildom in disarray, as well.  The tremors had broken up the paved roads and buildings, and while there were no walls of flame, deep gashes where torturous lava spewed riddled the streets.</p><p>“It looks like someone’s trying to destroy the Devildom,” Asmo noticed, as he stared at the wreckage below.</p><p>“Yes,” Satan agreed.  “And did you notice that there doesn’t seem to be any <em> demons </em>anywhere?”  </p><p>Lucifer raised his eyebrows.  Satan was right.  “Perhaps they’ve all evacuated, as well.”</p><p>“Or they’ve all been crushed by the rubble,” Belphie—ever the optimist—suggested.</p><p>Lucifer was saved from delivering an admonishment as the group arrived at the Demon Lord’s Castle.  Strangely enough, the gates to the Castle were swung wide open, leaving them to gaze upon the monstrous edifice.  However imposing the building had been before, it was a crippling sight to see now.</p><p>The wine-colored bricks that composed the bulk of the palace were scattered in mounds of debris, where golden trim and ancient furniture lay blackened and charred.  Remnants of grand staircases and fountains, rare paintings and statues, as well as all manner of blasphemous artifacts of witchcraft, rained down like morbid confetti.         </p><p>“What <em>happened </em>here?” wondered Leviathan.</p><p>Lucifer’s blood ran cold.  “Where’s Lord Diavolo?”  He flew toward the rubble, scanning it for <em>some </em>kind of indication that the Prince of the Devildom was here and that he was okay.  Without thinking, he reached out toward a still-sizzling span of dismantled metal railing to look for the Demon Lord, when he felt Mammon’s hand on his shoulder.</p><p>The secondborn demon looked at him with worried eyes and said, “Diavolo’s not here, Lucifer.”</p><p>Lucifer’s heavy breaths slowed down as he calmed himself, staring at the torrid piece of metal that he had been about to touch—metal that would've absolutely blistered even his tough demon skin.  He let out one more deep breath before nodding.  “You’re right.”  </p><p>He flew back toward the rest of the group with Mammon.</p><p>“Something strange is <em>definitely </em>afoot here,” Satan decided, gesturing at the decimated Castle and the rest of the Devildom.  “How mysterious.  All of this <em>can't </em>be natural.  Someone must be orchestrating all of this.”</p><p>It then clicked for the six ex-angels, who all exchanged knowing glances. </p><p>“There’s only one possible enemy of the Devildom and the Demon Lord,” said Mammon.  </p><p>Beelzebub nodded.  “Only one reason for all this <em>destruction. </em>”</p><p>“And not just of property, but <em> hair, </em>too,” Asmodeus—whose hair looked absolutely fine—huffed.</p><p>Leviathan added, “And demons’ lives, of course.”</p><p>“This is definitely the work of the Celestial Realm.”  Belphegor’s eyes darkened as he said the last two words.</p><p>Lucifer grit his teeth and put a hand on Satan’s shoulder (even though the fourthborn pulled away <em>immediately</em>).  “Looks like it’s time to go 'home' and pay Father a visit.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. The Celestial Realm</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The brothers find themselves in the Celestial Realm for the first time in several hundred years.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Okay, okay, I'm <i>sorry</i> that this chapter is so long; in fact, it's the longest chapter I've ever written in the eight years I've written fanfiction (took me over twenty nonconsecutive hours of pure <i>writing</i> and editing to get it done), but I <i>really</i> wanted to start writing the boys <i>in</i> the Human World next chapter, so I had to write pretty much all of the setup for them to get there in the past two chapters.</p><p>And yes, I realize some parts are confusing (if you need clarification, let me know), but I promise that there are a lot of things that I'm going to clear up in the next few chapters, so fear not!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “Lucifer,” a voice called into the night.  “You awake?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer closed his eyes and snuggled deeper under the covers.  He yawned and muttered groggily, “No.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Ah, okay.”   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He could hear Michael’s footsteps as the Angel of Destruction walked out of his bedroom.  As he closed the door, Lucifer heard the clanging of the doorknob falling to the floor.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Sorry, Luci,” Michael apologized, and Lucifer could imagine the sheepish smile on his face. “And sorry for waking you—I know you have to be in Father’s court early tomorrow.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer mumbled incoherently in reply and attempted to once again be overcome by the throes of sleep.  However, guilt weighed upon his chest for sending the angel away, and he called, “Michael, wait, come back.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A moment later, he could see Michael’s silhouette at the threshold of the door.  His wild black mane of hair had wound out of its ponytail, and his silky off-the-shoulder sleepshirt had well, slipped off his shoulders.  In his arms, he held a well-worn capybara plush, for even adult angels needed comfort in the form of stuffed animals sometimes.    </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer raised himself off the bed and rubbed his eyes.  “What was it you wanted?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Well, I … you know that dream?”   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “The nightmare, yes.  Did you have it, again?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> There was no reply from Michael, and Lucifer sighed.  “Come here.”  He beckoned toward his new housemate, but Michael didn’t move forward, and instead, stared at the ground.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer shook his head.  Although this living situation was new for the both of them, Lucifer was determined to make the best of it, for his Father had wanted His two most powerful Archangels to live together for some reason.  It seemed, though, that the Angel of Destruction’s history of being shunned by his fellow angels for his destructive tendencies had left him quite socially awkward.  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He pat his bed.  “Come here, Michael,” he repeated. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Hesitantly, Michael shuffled forward, and Lucifer saw his grip on his capybara tighten.  “I didn’t mean to bother you.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “You’re not bothering me.  Come sit,” commanded Lucifer.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em>The two sat in silence for several minutes, neither knowing what to say.  From the corner of his eye, Lucifer saw that Michael hugged his plush to his chest and stared into his lap, his eyes wide in fear.</em>
</p><p>He must still be spooked by his nightmare<em>, Lucifer realized.  He cleared his throat.  “Would it make you feel better if you slept here with me tonight?” </em></p><p><em> Instantly, Michael scooted away from him, to the point where he nigh fell off the bed.  He waved his hands in the air with a nervous smile.  “No, no, no!  I don’t want to impose!  I</em>—<em>I’ll go back to my room!” </em></p><p>
  <em> Lucifer shook his head and clapped a hand on Michael’s thigh.  “You’ll stay here tonight.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I … okay.”   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer scooted over and lay down on his bed, turning away from Michael to give him space.  However, the other angel whomped himself down right next to Lucifer, pulled him close, and draped his leg over him. </em>
</p><p><em> He couldn’t help but feel the </em>tiniest <em>blush flush over his face, as he mumbled, “Just … don’t break the mattress or anything.” </em></p><p>
  <em> Michael, who had already begun to snore, could only mumble, “Occu … pational … haz … ard.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> A small smile bloomed on Lucifer’s face and he gave a deep sigh as he closed his eyes.  His last thoughts before sleep overtook him was how much the House of Great Elation felt like home with the Angel of Destruction around. </em>
</p><hr/><p>“How much longer?” Mammon whined as the four demons with wings carried their three flightless brothers higher and higher into the sky.  “My wings are startin’ to get tired.”  </p><p>Asmodeus nodded.  “Yeah, and flying through these clouds is getting me all wet.”  He let out a gasp.  “Holy Father, is this how girls feel when I look at them?  Oh, this isn’t pleasant at all!  Ow!  Belphie, stop kicking me!”</p><p>“Whoops,” replied the seventhborn demon drily.  In fact, he had been the one to ask Beel to fly him over Asmo so he could land a couple of solid kicks to his brother’s head if he ever got too obnoxious.</p><p>Lucifer rolled his eyes at their antics, trying to hide the smile that blossomed on his face.  “If we keep flying a little higher, we <em>should </em>see the Celestial Realm’s precipice in a few minutes.”</p><p>Satan looked down from where he hung on Asmo, and his eyes widened when he saw how high up they were above the decimated Devildom.  “You six fell all this way when you were kicked out of the Celestial Realm?”</p><p>Lucifer could feel a storm form in his mind when he thought of that day—the day his Father had decided the He had had enough of His problematic children and hurled them out of house and home.  He grit his teeth and answered darkly, “Yes.”  He glowered for a moment before pausing and turning down to stare at Satan.  “You were there when we fell, too.”</p><p>“I remember that,” said Beel, frowning.  “We were all hurtling toward the Devildom and suddenly you just appeared.”</p><p>“Completely naked, too, if I may add,” giggled Asmo.</p><p>Lucifer sighed.  There was no way he could forget that day.  It seemed like just yesterday that Father had thrown him, Lilith, Mammon, Leviathan, Asmodeus, Beelzebub, and Belphegor out of the Celestial Realm.  </p><p>He remembered that he had been cradling Lilith, who’s breaths were getting shallower by the moment, in his arms.  He had flapped his wings furiously to slow their descent, although the sheer force in which they had been thrown was too strong for him to counter and fly all the way back up, even if he wanted to.  Mammon had been carrying Levi as he was now, and Beel was, as usual, flying with Belphie, while Asmo flew beside them.  The five of them had closed around him and Lilith, staring in horror at their dying sister. </p><p>Lucifer remembered his eyes filling with tears as he looked at Lilith, and all at once, the anger and wrath at his Father that had once plagued him so greatly dissipated, and it was replaced by an overwhelming fear for his sister’s life.</p><p>It was at that moment when a blond, naked figure appeared falling next to them.  The figure had the appearance of a grown man and stared at the group with blank, blue-green eyes.  </p><p>Together, they stared at the new creature and a puzzled dispute went among them as to where he had come from.  Lucifer didn’t know the man’s origins, but he knew that if he was brave enough to fall with them, then he was worth protecting.  He reached out an arm toward the man, who simply stared at him before taking it.</p><p>It wasn’t long before they realized that this person had been borne out of Lucifer’s wrath, and they gave him the name “Satan.”</p><p>“Ah, I think I see the Celestial Realm.”  Leviathan pointed upward a minute later toward a massive sphere of light that resided on the clouds a few miles ahead of them.</p><p>Mammon squinted.  “Just like I remember it—too damn bright n’ too damn shiny.”</p><p>“And here I thought if it weren’t for your Father, you all enjoyed your stint in the Celestial Realm,” said Satan.  “At least, Asmo tends to go on and on about how much he en—”</p><p>He was cut off when Asmodeus pinched his wrists and hissed, “I <em>can</em> and <em>will</em> drop you, Satan.”</p><p>“Don’t drop him, yet, Asmo,” said Lucifer, stepping onto the cloud cover that made up the ground of the Celestial Realm.  He stared up at the huge, pearly gates, which lay several feet in front of him.  “We’re here.”  He peered ahead, squinting at the two Gatekeepers who stood sentinel in front of the gates to ward off unsavory company.</p><p>“Is that who I think it is?” Levi asked, his eyes widening.</p><p>Mammon’s jaw dropped.  “Since when was Simeon a Gatekeeper?”</p><p>Lucifer raised his eyebrows.  When he had last been in the Celestial Realm, Simeon had been his fellow Archangel, and one of the most powerful angels ever created.  What was he doing in the position of a lowly Gatekeeper?</p><p>“Isn’t anyone worried that Simeon guarding the gate will make it harder for us to get through?” Beel asked.  “We know what he’s like.”</p><p>“Faithful and just.”  Asmodeus yawned.  “How boring.  Oh, well, at least he’s pretty.”</p><p>Lucifer pursed his lips.  Beel was right: the fact that one of the Gatekeepers of the Celestial Realm was a friend of theirs made this whole endeavor much more awkward.  Sure, the six brothers were notorious in their former home simply due to their involvement in the Great Celestial War, but they themselves weren’t <em> friendly </em>with any of the other angels anymore.</p><p>Nevertheless, he shook his head.  “We have to go in, and if that means going through Simeon, then so be it.”  </p><p>“Wait—what do you mean ‘go <em>through </em>Simeon?’” asked Satan.  He raised an eyebrow when he made the connection.  “Oh, you don’t mean … ?”</p><p>Belphegor nodded, a strange smile forming on his face.  “We’re not allowed in the Celestial Realm, so the only way that we can get in is to knock out the Gatekeepers.  Those pearly gates over there are the only way in and out of the Realm, and they’re the only ones guarding it.” </p><p>“Yep, it ain’t gonna be pretty, but it’s somethin’ we’d decided on a while ago if we ever needed to come back here,” Mammon added.</p><p>Lucifer sighed.  It <em>had </em>been their plan for centuries, now, but knowing that <em> Simeon </em>would be one of the angels that he needed to render unconscious in order to get into the Celestial Realm caused a pit to form in his stomach.  “Perhaps we should try to be diplomatic—at least, at first.”</p><p>“I don’t know,” mumbled Levi.  “If videogames have taught me anything, it’s always best to attack first and ask questions later.”  He looked again at the Gatekeepers in front of them and frowned.  “But I guess since this is real life, maybe we <em> should </em>talk to them first and see if they’re willing to bend the rules and let us in.”</p><p>“Ha,” Mammon laughed, as Lucifer led his brothers toward the pearly gates.  “An angel willin’ to bend the rules.  That’ll be the day.”  </p><p>He, as well as the others, quieted down as they made their way to the front of the Celestial Realm’s gates.  Lucifer sighed, falling privy to nostalgia as he stared through the pearlescent bars at the place he had once called home.</p><p>“Lucifer!”  Simeon exclaimed, beaming at the group.  He held a hand out toward his fellow Gatekeeper, who had whipped out his Sword of the Spirit at the sight of the seven intruders.  “Stand down, Sorath.”</p><p>Sorath gave Simeon a frown in disgust.  “Are you kiddin’?  You know who these are, right, Simeon?  Sinners!  The lot of ‘em!  Father threw ‘em down for a reason, y’know!”</p><p>“And you sir, are lovely, as well,” Lucifer replied, giving the other Gatekeeper a patronizing smile.  He turned toward Simeon, but before he could speak, the angel pulled something out of his pants’ pocket and handed it to Beel, who raised his eyebrows in surprise.</p><p>Simeon laughed.  “I remember how you always loved manna cakes, Beel, so I kept one in my pocket in case you ever decided to visit here, again.  Granted, it’s over four hundred years old, but you know food doesn’t spoil in the Celestial Realm, so it should be alright.”</p><p>Beel grinned back and greedily took the cake from Simeon’s hand, munching on it immediately.  “Thanks, Simeon,” he mumbled between bites. “I haven’t eaten since we evacuated the House of Lamentation, but I’ve been too worried to complain.”</p><p>Simeon’s jaw dropped.  “<em>Evacuated? </em>  Did something happen?”</p><p>Lucifer stepped forward.  “That’s what we’re here for.  We need to speak to Father, immediately.”</p><p>“Absolutely not!” Sorath bellowed, swinging his Sword wildly.  “Demons <em>ain’t </em>allowed in the Devildom, much less you six … er …” He did a headcount and scratched his head in confusion.  “Seven?  Swear there were only six males last time.”</p><p>“Sorath.”  Simeon’s smile twitched a bit as if he was <em>barely </em>tolerating the other angel.  “I urge you to let me handle this.”  </p><p>Sorath frowned but sheathed his Sword.</p><p>However, when Simeon turned to the seven demon brothers, his smile fell and he sighed sadly.  “Sorath is right, I’m afraid.  I can’t let you pass these gates.”</p><p>Lucifer frowned.  If Simeon wouldn’t let him and his brothers into the Celestial Realm peacefully, they would have to resort to their original plan, and seeing Beel happily crunching on the manna cake Simeon had given him made him <em>really </em>not want to do that.  He decided to try one more tactic.  “If you’re worried that Father will be angry with you for defying His orders, don’t worry, we’ll take the blame.”</p><p>Simeon sighed, considering the offer.  “Tell me what happened first.”</p><p>Mammon stepped forward.  “There’re all these weird earthquake things goin’ on in the Devildom—which is bad ‘cause Satan says earthquakes aren’t possible the down there ‘cause of tactical plates or somethin’—”</p><p>“—<em> Tectonic </em>plates,” Satan corrected.</p><p>“—And all these black fires sprung up, too, in the House of Lamentation and they ain’t natural.  Diavolo’s missin’ and his Castle’s been destroyed by the flames.  We’re thinkin’ someone in the Celestial Realm had somethin’ to do with it,”  Mammon finished.  </p><p>Simeon looked shocked.  “That’s impossible!  Sorath and I have been guarding these gates all day—no one who isn’t supposed to leave has gone in or out.”</p><p>Belphegor shrugged.  “Humans can’t typically access the Devildom and the only ones who <em> would </em>mess with demons are angels, so whoever started the fires and is responsible for the quakes must be from up here.”</p><p>Lucifer nodded.   “We need to speak to Father and get to the bottom of this.”</p><p>“What happened to the rest of the demons in the Devildom?” Simeon asked, ignoring Lucifer’s request.</p><p>“We assume that most of the lower-level demons fled because of the quakes—they aren’t strong enough to withstand them—and that some were crushed in the wreckage,” answered Satan.  </p><p>“And the House of Lamentation?  You said you evacuated it?”</p><p>Leviathan scratched his neck.  “To be honest, we didn’t stick around to see what had happened to it; I think, “ he looked around at his brothers, “it’s probably been destroyed with the rest of the buildings in the Devildom.”</p><p>Simeon groaned and ran a hand down his face.  “I can say without a doubt that this wasn’t the work of an angel, but … I suppose this is serious.”  He stepped aside and pushed open one of the gates as Sorath stared at him, aghast.  He turned back to the brothers with a stern glare.  “You promise you’re here simply to speak with Father?  And not to incite any kind of drama?”</p><p>“Yes,” answered Lucifer truthfully.  “All we’re here to do is have an audience with Father.  Nothing more.”  And with that, Lucifer and his brothers walked into the Celestial Realm for the first time in what seemed like forever.</p><p>However, before they could make it more than a foot past the gates, Simeon put a hand out to stop them.  </p><p>A collective groan went up from among the group.  </p><p>“What <em>now? </em>” wailed Asmo.      </p><p>Simeon locked eyes with Lucifer, who could see the worry pooling in them.  “Lucifer, are <em>you </em>sure that<em> you </em>want to enter this Realm?  I see that you still have Michael’s Mark of Destruction on your forehead, and I assure you, he very much still recognizes it as a symbol of his promised annihilation.”</p><p>Lucifer ignored the fearful looks that went up among his brothers and nodded.  “Let him come.”</p><p>“Oh, wonderful, another Celestial Realm story I’ve yet to be told,” Satan complained.  “What do you mean, ‘a symbol of his promised annihilation?’”</p><p>A silence went up from among the group and Satan raised his eyebrows as all the current and former angels looked to the ground and didn’t meet his eyes.  </p><p>Lucifer, who was not so concerned with the black diamond that afflicted his forehead, but rather the long-since forgotten story that went along with it, spoke up.  “You remember Michael, Angel of Destruction, yes?”</p><p>Satan nodded.  “Luke’s idol and your boyfriend from the Celestial Realm.”</p><p>Asmodeus, Belphegor, and Mammon snickered as Lucifer blushed.  How did <em>so </em>many people come to such a foolish conclusion?  It was a thought that plagued him constantly when he told others of Michael; was it not clear that the pair shared solely what many called a “bromance?”  </p><p>“I—<em>no</em>.  Don’t be ridiculous.  As it were, Michael is a <em> powerful </em>angel, so powerful that Father gave him the title of Archangel, as he did for me.  However, I wager that Michael surpassed even <em>me </em>in power,” Lucifer explained.</p><p>“Easy winnings, considering Lucifer as an angel was pretty lame,” interjected Mammon cheekily.</p><p>Lucifer turned toward his younger brother with a glare.  “And yet somehow I managed to overpower you at every turn.”  He rolled his eyes and continued, “Now, where was I?  Yes, Michael was the extremely powerful Angel of Destruction.  However, Michael was an incredibly peaceful angel, for he believed that his title has cost him more than it gave to him.  As a passive soul, it did <em> not </em>bode well with him when Father made him General of His heavenly legions.”</p><p>“Typical Father,” Belphie spat, “putting people into positions that they don’t do well in and then blaming them when they fail.”</p><p>Simeon was quick to defend his master.  “On the contrary, Father put him in charge of the armies <em> and </em> gave him the title of Angel of Destruction <em> because </em>he had no desire to destroy, for He knew that putting a more volatile angel in that role could cause unnecessary destruction.”</p><p>“Whatever the case may be,” Lucifer explained, “Michael wanted everyone to <em>know </em>that he was careful in what he destroyed—perhaps even to teach them a lesson in caution, so he developed a symbol in the shape of a black diamond to mark upon those he believed that <em>deserved </em>to be destroyed.  That mark can only be passed when the pommel of his Sword of the Spirit is pressed upon the skin, and it lasts there until he destructs whatever is marked.”</p><p>“Wait—” Satan interrupted.  “That black diamond on your forehead in your demon form … that’s Michael’s Mark of Destruction?”</p><p>Lucifer bowed his head.  “Yes.  It symbolizes a promise that the next time that he and I meet … he will destroy me.”</p><p>“Which is why I’m hesitant to let Lucifer into the Celestial Realm,” admitted Simeon.  “Sorath and I let Michael out to do his rounds in the Human World several hours ago, and there’s no telling what time of the day he’ll be back.  And if he arrives to see Lucifer …”</p><p>“He’ll have to fulfill the marking he made on me that day,” Lucifer finished.  He bit his lip.  He knew better than anyone that Michael was an angel of his word … but they really did need to get into the Celestial Realm to talk to Father.  </p><p>He looked around at his brothers, who stared back at him with eager eyes.  He knew that despite their tendencies to say the most idiotic things, when the chips were down, the six were quite eloquent and would no doubt be able to take a stand in debates with their Father.  However, Lucifer knew that the only one with any real leverage with the Almighty was him, considering his past as an Archangel granted him great favor with the King.</p><p>He sighed. </p><p>He <em>had </em>to go in.</p><p>Lucifer walked past Simeon and farther into the Celestial Realm.  “Your concern is very kind, Simeon, but it’s imperative that my brothers and I see our Father.”  He turned behind him to ensure that his brothers were following him and nodded.  “If Michael finds me and wishes to challenge me, then so be it.”</p><p>“Wait!” Simeon cried, running after the party, eliciting another round of groans.  He panted as he reached them before holding up a finger and saying, “If you’re to go to Father’s Palace, you’re going to need someone to escort you.”</p><p>Leviathan raised an eyebrow.  “Uh, we <em>know </em>where His Palace is.  We’ve lived here before!”</p><p>“Yeah, we know our way around the Celestial Realm,” agreed Mammon.</p><p>“I know,” Simeon affirmed, “but for sure the Palace guards aren’t going to let you in by yourselves.  Having me along might help the process go smoother.”</p><p><em> The Palace guards, </em> Lucifer realized.  He had completely forgotten about the angels that defended their Father’s home.  He massaged his temples.  “I guess it <em> would </em>be better if you came along with us.”</p><p>Simeon beamed.  “Sounds good.  Walking there together will also give us a way to catch up on the little things.”</p><p>“Oh, goody,” Belphie muttered under his breath as the group waited for Simeon to signal to his fellow Gatekeeper that he was leaving.  Sorath rolled his eyes and turned back to stand sentinel before the Celestial Realm’s pearly gates.</p><p>Despite Simeon’s desire to “catch up,” the party of eight walked in silence through the gold-paved streets, which were completely empty.  </p><p>“Where <em>is </em>everyone?” queried Satan, raising an eyebrow at the deserted city.  “This looks just like the Devildom before we left, save for the fact that everything in the Celestial Realm <em>hasn't </em>been destroyed.”</p><p>It was Belphegor who answered, “Everyone’s usually busy during the day.”  His voice dropped low as he grumbled, “Slothfulness is highly discouraged in the Celestial Realm.”</p><p>Beel shuffled closer to him.  “Don’t worry, Belphie, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to rest.”</p><p>“Speakin’ of wanting to rest,” Mammon began, “you retire from bein’ one of the Archangels, or somethin’, Simeon?”</p><p>“How <em>could </em>you do that?” asked Asmo.  “You’re wasting your good looks on a job as humdrum as Gatekeeping.”  </p><p>Lucifer watched Simeon’s omnipresent smile flicker at the question.  Clearly this was a sore subject for the angel, and he could see why.  Archangels were innately mighty beings, and it was for that they were given their titles.  Gatekeepers, one of the subclasses of Guardian Angels, were angels that were weak and not much use to the Father, except for guarding the gates.  Going from almighty Archangel to lowly Gatekeeper was a long way for an angel to fall in prestige.</p><p>Simeon sighed and fiddled with the grip of his Sword of the Spirit, which was slung in its sheath across his hips.  “I … didn’t retire.”</p><p>The seven brothers stopped in their tracks.  Lucifer could feel his jaw drop.  “You—you didn’t retire?”  That could only mean one thing … “Father renounced your title of Archangel?”  </p><p>“What?  Why would He do that?” Mammon demanded.  “Ya were always so good at doin’ that whole condescendin’-but-kind Archangel thing!” </p><p>Suddenly, a horrible thought crept into Lucifer’s mind, and if it was true, he <em>really </em>was glad that they had decided not to pummel Simeon.  “When … when did this happen?”</p><p>Simeon wouldn’t meet his eyes.  “A few hundred years ago.”</p><p>“A few hundred years ago?” repeated Satan.  He surveyed his ex-angel brothers.  “You mean around the time of the Fall?”</p><p>When Simeon didn’t answer, Lucifer ran a hand down his face and groaned.  “Simeon, don’t tell me that you lost your position because of <em>us.</em>”</p><p>Simeon looked up, biting his lips.  “<em>Someone </em> had to tell Father that kicking His children out of their home and disowning them isn’t proper discipline!”  He paused to regain his composure.  “After visiting you all in the Devildom for that exchange program all those years ago made me realize that it was there that you were truly <em>happy</em>, but back then, I couldn’t believe that.  I thought it was unjust and unmerciful of Father to throw you out of the Celestial Realm for the War, and I told Him that to His face.”</p><p>Lucifer sighed.  It was just as he suspected.  Poor, stupid, naïve Simeon.  Poor, truthful, honest, Simeon.  </p><p>Belphegor let out an unsympathetic laugh.  “You lost your high-and-mighty position sticking up for a group of rebels!”</p><p>Lucifer tactfully stepped on Belphie’s foot to shut him up.  Although the action had the desired effect, the seventhborn scowled at him and returned the favor with double the force.  “That really wasn’t necessary, Simeon, but, I’ll admit it’s nice to know that someone has our backs up here in the Celestial Realm.”</p><p>The angel nodded.  “I’d do it again,” he declared valiantly.  “But I suppose that’s enough chitchat, for we’ve arrived.”</p><p>Indeed, the group now stood at the foot of God’s Palace.  The gargantuan structure was bigger than any building in the Devildom and was thrice as fine.  </p><p>The Palace was built with massive marble bricks and the mortar that held them together was molten gold (and somehow maintained its structural integrity).  Rare gemstones adorned the hundreds of entryways and the roof was composed of an entire sheet of diamond.  There were no windows in the Palace, for what was the point of natural light when the actual Light of the World resided inside it?</p><p>Lucifer stared at the edifice in awe, for despite seeing the Palace thousands and thousands of times, he’d yet to overcome the amazement that someone would build something so <em>tacky.  </em></p><p>“Talk about overcompensating,” Asmo muttered.</p><p>Simeon led the group toward the main entrance, where two Palace guards stood sentinel.  They frowned and immediately unsheathed their Swords of the Spirit with a growl when they saw the seven demons trailing behind Simeon.</p><p>However, they stood down and bowed their heads when the angel held out his hand.</p><p>Lucifer nodded appreciatively; it seemed that despite being relegated to Gatekeeper, Simeon still commanded the level of respect he had when he was an Archangel.</p><p>As the brothers and Simeon walked into the Palace, the seven demons were forced to stop and take in all the splendor.  Lucifer had to admit, despite the gaudiness of the exterior of Father’s Palace, the interior design was sheer perfection.</p><p>Rose gold columns broke up the immense foyer, which was covered in white-and-gray dappled tiles.  Enormous rose quartz chandeliers hung from the ceiling and glittering sconces adorned the walls.  Two staircases, railed in marble, were the centerpieces of the room, and Lucifer knew all too well where each led: to the left was Father’s Hall of Judgement, and to the right was His Throne Room.</p><p>“I forgot how gorgeous the heavenly aesthetic was,” Asmodeus said, dreamily taking in the beauty of the room.</p><p>Lucifer noticed from the corner of his eye that Mammon had floated upward and was unscrewing one of the sparkly sconce covers from the wall.  “Mammon, get your grubby paws off of that,” he hissed.  “Do you want us to get kicked out <em>already? </em>”</p><p>“C’mon,” Mammon grumbled, reluctantly rejoining the group empty-handed.  “Do ya <em> know </em>how much those’d sell for?”</p><p>Simeon smiled tolerantly.  “Lucky for you seven, Father isn’t holding court today and is in His Throne Room.”  He bowed his head.  “This is where I must leave you, though.  Going inside to meet Father without being summoned is a grievous offense, and I’d rather not stir the beast if I can help it.”  He looked at Lucifer square in the eye.  “I trust that you will be alright.”</p><p>Lucifer nodded and reached out a hand toward Simeon, who shook it amicably.  “Thank you for your help.  We couldn’t have made it this far into the Celestial Realm without you.”</p><p>“Yeah, thanks,” Mammon concurred, and the other five chorused their gratitude, as well.</p><p>As Simeon walked away, Lucifer surveyed his brothers and nodded.  It was time for them to engage their Father for the first time in several centuries.  </p><p>The group walked stalwartly up the staircase, and from among them went a nervous grumble.  </p><p>“Anyone else havin’ second thoughts?” asked Mammon, a bead of sweat dripping down his temple.  </p><p>Leviathan bobbed his head, frowning.  “I am.  I feel like we’re about to have the final boss fight of our lives.”</p><p>Lucifer <em>hated </em>this—it didn’t make sense for children to be <em>this </em>afraid of their father, especially one who claimed to be so loving and good as theirs.  He knew that deep down inside, he too, was frightened to the core of their Father, but damn it, it wasn’t <em>right. </em>Where was the love in all this fear?</p><p>“Here’s the door to the Throne Room,” Lucifer announced, as the group arrived.  The door was built for giants, towering above their heads—a symbol that they were about to enter the chamber of the King of Kings.  He turned to Satan.  “You’ve never been here, before.  You do the honors.”</p><p>Satan raised an eyebrow but didn’t argue.  Taking a deep breath, he gripped the handle of the door and closed his eyes.  After a moment of silence, he yanked it open.</p><p>Lucifer walked in first, his brothers in tow.  The band of demons kept their eyes low to the ground; they knew better than to stare at God Almighty in all His glory head-on.  </p><p>“My prodigals,” a voice thundered from before them.  </p><p>Lucifer tilted his head so he could glance at the glowing white blur that sat on the Throne.  While he had seen his Father’s corporeal, humanlike form several times, most of the time, He preferred to be shrouded in the pearly radiance of His glory, which was far too bright for even angels to look directly at.  “Father.”</p><p>“I see you’ve brought another of your number.  Come forward, Satan.”</p><p>He nudged Satan to walk forward, even though the fourthborn scowled at the eldest’s touch.  Lucifer watched as Satan stalked, shoulders slung back, toward the blinding light. </p><p>“A purebred demon,” Father mused.  “Born from your wrath, I hear, Lucifer.”</p><p>Lucifer crossed his arms unapologetically.  “You truly do know all, Father.”</p><p>“And yet I shall ask: why have you seven gathered before Me today?”</p><p>He steeled his posture.  “We need to talk, Father.”</p><p>An amused hum came from their Father, and before anyone could respond, God dropped the radiant shroud of His glory, and the seven brothers stared at the unimposing, humanlike figure that now sat on the Throne before them.  </p><p>Lucifer sighed in relief; the “intimidation tactic” of covering Himself in His blinding glory so that no one could look at Him was less frightening and more of an annoyance, so he was glad that his Father had dropped the act.  Perhaps that meant He could be reasoned with today.</p><p>“Whatever about, My prodigal?” bellowed God.</p><p>He raised an eyebrow.  One of God’s fundamental traits that He was <em>very </em>proud of was His omniscience—the fact that He knew <em>everything</em>.  It was utterly deplorable when He pretended to be unaware.  </p><p>Lucifer had felt his confidence swell once Father had dropped His glory, and he stared at the manlike form of their Father in annoyance.  “Surely you know.”</p><p>Father glared at him with equal irritation.  “I assure you, prodigal, that I do not.  Simply because I possess omniscience does not mean that I make use of it all the time.  There are times when it’s more enjoyable to hear of things as they happen rather than knowledge of them prior.”</p><p>He grit his teeth.  <em> Typical Father.  Always trying to make things more difficult than they need to be.  </em> “Our home, <em> the Devildom</em>, has been afflicted by unnatural disasters and we believe someone in the Celestial Realm is behind it.”</p><p>His Father looked shocked.  “<em>What? </em>   Someone has been afflicting <em> My </em>Devildom?”</p><p>“Technically, the Devildom’s ruled by Diavol—” Mammon interjected.</p><p>He was interrupted by their Father, who barreled on as if he hadn’t said a word.  “No one in the Celestial Realm would <em> dare </em>lay a finger on any of My creations, the hellish Devildom included.”  </p><p>“You must understand,” Satan implored, and the six ex-angels internally facepalmed, knowing better than to <em>demand </em>the Almighty to do something.  “Humans can’t typically enter the Devildom until Judgement Day, and the only creatures with enough of a vendetta against demonkind to destroy them are angels.  There have been earthquakes which <em> shouldn’t </em>happen in the Devildom by all accounts.  Worst of all, there have been smokeless black flames popping out of nowhere, but only in our House—”</p><p>“Smokeless black flames?” their Father asked.  He pursed His lips and held out His palm.  On it suddenly glowed an image of the same dark fire that had shown up in the House of Lamentation.  “Such as these?”</p><p>Leviathan’s eyes widened.  “That’s it exactly.”</p><p>“I <em> knew </em>the Celestial Realm was behind this,” Belphie spat.</p><p>“Unfortunately, Belphegor,” their Father breathed, His voice quiet all of a sudden, “you may be right.”  He closed His palm and the fire snuffed out.  “The flames which I just showed you all are a special kind of fire called Hellfire—it’s only to be used with My permission, and no one has asked of it since it was created, which is beside the point.  Hellfire is supposed to consume the Devildom once Judgement Day arrives and the damned souls of humans are brought into it.  This perpetually burning version of the Devildom will be called Hell, which is simply a pit of Hellfire in which souls are burned for all of eternity.  Therefore, I designed Hellfire so that it does not spread—it has no reason to, for all its surroundings will be Hellfire as well.  In addition, I created it so that Hellfire does not cause smoke, for what is the point of asphyxiation if those who are being tortured by it are already dead?” </p><p>Lucifer raised an eyebrow.  He supposed it was only natural for the Creator and Destroyer of Worlds to talk about death and torture so lightly.  However, he felt the need to point out something much more serious: “You said that Hellfire is supposed to consume the <em> Devildom </em>on Judgement Day.  There were no flames in other places in the Devildom besides the House of Lamentation.”  Suddenly, he remembered the burning remains of Diavolo’s palace.  “And the Demon Lord’s Castle.”</p><p>“And besides, it’s not Judgement Day, yet,” Mammon realized.  He gave Father a side-eye.  “Is it?”</p><p>Father shook His head.  “No, it’s not even close.”</p><p>“So, it’s not Judgement Day, yet Hellfire was spotted without Your permission in the homes of the Devildom’s most prestigious denizens?” asked Satan, his eyes lighting with interest.  “That’s incredibly suspicious.”</p><p>“Where is this Demon Lord of yours, anyway?” Father wondered.</p><p>Lucifer felt his heart drop to his feet, cursing himself for not thinking of Diavolo in the bustle of coming up to the Celestial Realm.  “We didn’t find him.” </p><p>Mammon, who had seen the distraught look on Lucifer’s face, turned to their Father.  “Maybe Ya could use that impotence of Yours an’ find him?”</p><p>Even Lucifer had to crack a smile at Satan’s irritated correction.  “<em>Omni</em>potence, not <em>im</em>potence!  And besides, He’s going to use His <em>omniscience </em>to find where Diavolo is.  His <em> omnipotence </em>is what He’s going to have to use to get you to shut up.”</p><p>Their Father nodded and closed His eyes.  A moment later, He opened them.  “I was not able to find the Demon Lord Diavolo.”</p><p>“What?”  Lucifer demanded, his fingers curling into fists.  “You’re supposed to be the Almighty God!  How can You not find him?”</p><p>The Almighty shook His head and repeated, “I was unable to find him.”  He rubbed His chin.  “It’s almost like he ceased to exist.”</p><p>Lucifer couldn’t believe his ears.  <em> Cease to exist?  </em>What did that mean?  His Father controlled all possible reality; how was it possible that He was unable to locate Diavolo?  Before he knew it, his breaths were coming in quick and shallow, and he began to feel lightheaded.  </p><p>“Whoa there, bro.” Mammon gulped as he caught his elder brother before he toppled to the ground.  “I know this looks bad, but c’mon, we’ll get through it.”</p><p>“Yeah, maybe Diavolo’s just been kidnapped and brought to an alternate universe that Father doesn’t control,” Belphegor consoled, although he couldn’t help the absolutely devilish gleam of hopefulness at the prospect in his eyes.</p><p>“Impossible,” their Father boomed.  “I <em> created </em>the fundamentals of existing.  Nothing can do so without Me.  I control and know of all channels of existence by default.  Although …”  He stroked His chin.  “There is sometimes a way to hide such information from Me.”</p><p>“There is?” Asmo asked.</p><p>Lucifer lightened considerably upon hearing that information.  Perhaps there was hope for Diavolo after all.  “What do You mean?”</p><p>“I told you earlier of how My omniscience works, correct?  As in, I have the capacity to know all, however, that doesn’t mean that I know all at all times.  If I want to know something, I must inquire of My omniscience. I am the only one who is able to access My omniscience, <em> but </em>if someone else were able to do so, they would be able to alter the information found in it.”</p><p>“Whoa, so what You’re saying is … someone can hack Your brain?” exclaimed Levi, his mouth agape.  “That’s literally straight out of an anime!”</p><p>“You have to ignore him,” Belphie told their Father drily.  “Levi is a godless, godless soul.”</p><p>Lucifer shook his head at the newfound information.  If what Father had described was truly what had happened, then they were in a lot more trouble than they thought.  How could someone access their Father’s omniscience?  What motive could someone have to hide information from the Almighty?  He gulped.  There was no way that this could end well.  </p><p>Suddenly, Satan gulped, his face ghostly white.  “I told you all earlier that it was suspicious that the Hellfire was found at both our and Lord Diavolo’s homes, considering all of us compose the Devildom’s government, but here’s what’s more worrying: whoever erased Father’s knowledge of Diavolo’s whereabouts is most likely the one who kidnapped him—which is what we’re believing for Lucifer’s sake, not that he’s dead—and since our house was also targeted, that means <em>we’re next.</em>”</p><p>Lucifer watched as the rest of his brothers blanched, becoming as pale as Satan.  He whipped toward his Father.  “Can You discern who is responsible for this?”</p><p>“It seems that that information has been taken, as well,” Father admitted, shaking His head.</p><p>Lucifer ran a hand through his hair, whether it was from frustration or fear, he didn’t know.  He turned toward Mammon, who looked at him with equally mixed emotions.  “Whoever it was that caused the earthquakes, tore up the Devildom, used Hellfire without Father’s permission, kidnapped Diavolo, stole information from Father, and is possibly coming after us … we can certainly take them on … right?”</p><p>Mammon scratched his neck.  “I mean … I don’t know.  I think … I think honestly we should lay low for a bit before we consider gettin’ ready for some kinda confrontation.” </p><p>“Lay low?  Lay low where?  The Devildom is just an amalgamation of lava fissures and rubble now,” said Satan.</p><p>“The Celestial Realm?” Asmo suggested.  “I mean—I mean, it’s not like I want to stay here or anything, but if we can’t go back home …”</p><p>“Absolutely not,” their Father barked.  “The Celestial Realm is for <em>angels.  </em>You seven lost the privilege of living here centuries ago.”</p><p>Lucifer swallowed his rage at his Father’s tone, remembering that the safety of his family was on the line.  “Okay, Father.”  He took a deep breath to calm himself once more.  “Then where do You expect us to go?”</p><p>His Father tapped His hands together and hummed, before snapping His fingers.  “The Human World.”</p><p>“That’s not a bad idea,” reasoned Satan.  “That’s the last place anyone would think to look for us, especially since we’re able to blend in well.”</p><p>“Are ya crazy?  We can’t make it as humans!” Mammon argued.  “Just tryna feed Beel alone would blow our cover.”</p><p>Belphegor looked thoughtful as he said, “If we asked MC for help, they could probably help us assimilate into the Human World.”</p><p>“<em>No</em>,” Lucifer decided.  “We are <em>not </em>bringing MC into a situation as dangerous as this.  And besides, the exchange program ended over forty years ago; I’m sure MC has moved on with their lives.”</p><p>Six demon faces fell at his words, and he had to admit, he was quite saddened by them, as well.  However, it couldn’t be helped.  There was no way he was going to bother MC with this situation.  </p><p>“So it’s settled, then,” their Father decided.  “Tomorrow I shall send you and a few provisions to the Human World for your own protection.  Meanwhile, I hope that you seven shall help Me in deciphering who is responsible for this whole debacle.”</p><p>Lucifer stared at his Father pensively.  He wasn’t sure how he felt about working <em>with </em>the Almighty, again, but he supposed that it was better than working <em>against </em>Him, as before. </p><p>He nodded.  “Sounds like a plan.”  </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Anyone have any suggestions for any shenanigans the demon brothers could get into in the Human World?</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The Human World ... Finances?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Lucifer and his brothers, along with Simeon, begin to put together their Human World personas.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Gah, this chapter ended up being really long for some reason, again.  Anyways, thank you for your suggestions!  I definitely will try to incorporate them into future storylines (perhaps the "demons getting arrested" one pretty soon ... y'know, since Mammon <i>exists</i>.)</p><p>Real quick, here are some things to know about all the chapters from here on out:</p><p>  <b>Every chapter will begin with a Lucifer-Michael flashback, because he will be a <i>really</i> important character later on, and it's good to have a bit of background on him and how he used to be.</b></p><p>  <b>Not every chapter will be from Lucifer's perspective.  The first three chapters were from his point of view because I thought his was rather neutral (for the most part) and therefore good for setting up all of these scenes.  Anyways, yes, all the brothers will definitely get their time to shine in all of the various plotlines in this story.</b><br/> <br/>Thank you for reading!  Again, let me know if you have any questions or if anything is confusing!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> “Oh, Lucifer!” Michael’s voice reverberated through the House of Great Elation’s kitchen. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer, who had just been burrowing through the ill-stocked cabinets for something to eat, called back, “What now?” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Look what I’ve got!” Michael exclaimed.  He pranced into the kitchen, holding a blond, baby angel over his head. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer raised an eyebrow.  Typically, when Father created His angels, they were fully grown, so that as soon as they were birthed, they could immediately begin their duties.  However, sometimes, when He was feeling spontaneous, the Almighty created angels that were mere infants, granting them the greatest gift of all time—the ability to grow up and have a childhood.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Of course, as angels were infinitely busy creatures, there usually was no one available to parent them, and the baby angels oftentimes were brought up collectively by the entire Celestial Realm—that is, unless a specific angel volunteered to rear them.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> With that, a terrible thought dawned on Lucifer as he watched Michael rifle through the kitchen drawers with the child clinging on his back. </em>
</p><p><em> “Michael,” Lucifer began carefully, “why do you have </em>that?<em>” </em></p><p><em> “He’s cute, right?  A regular cherub!” sung Michael cheerfully, and it was </em>not <em>lost on Lucifer that he had avoided the question.  “Father gave him the name of Luke!” </em></p><p>
  <em> Lucifer ran a hand down his face.  “Please, don’t tell me you’ve adopted him or something.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “Then I won’t tell you anything.” Michael beamed.  He wrangled the baby Luke off of his back after procuring a frosted manna cake from the drawer and handing it to him.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Luke cooed, an enormous, toothless grin growing on his face as he sucked the icing off of the cake.  He pat Michael’s shoulder playfully as if to show his appreciation.   </em>
</p><p><em> Lucifer watched, unamused at the interaction.  “Michael.”  The other angel ignored him, utterly absorbed in the baby’s itty bitty socks to pay any attention to his housemate.  “Michael, </em> look <em>at me.  I understand that this infant is cute, but you’re an </em> Archangel<em>—not to mention the General of the Heavenly Legions.  You’re at the barracks or down in the Human World, all day; there’s no way you can take care of a baby.” </em></p><p>
  <em> Michael stared at Lucifer, his golden eyes widening for maximum cuteness.  “C’mon now, Luci, don’t be such a sourpuss.  Here, you hold him.  Once you see how cute and adorable and perfect he is, you’ll definitely want to keep him, too.” </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer shook his head adamantly at the offer, but Michael wouldn’t take no for an answer and shoved Luke into his arms, anyway.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He raised an eyebrow at the baby, who just a minute before, had been nursing Michael’s thumb and his cake, giggling happily.  Now, cradled in Lucifer’s arms, the child was silent and stared at him, appearing to size up the older angel.  A moment later, he closed his eyes with a pretentious air, stuck his teeny tiny nose in the air, and magnanimously offered Lucifer his now-soggy manna cake.   </em>
</p><p><em> “Thank you,” Lucifer replied stiffly, “but I’ll pass.”  He sighed when the baby </em>hmph<em>ed and went back to sucking on his treat.  It appeared that the child wasn’t </em>too <em>fussy, and it especially seemed to get along with Michael.  Nevertheless, could the laid-back Angel of Destruction really be trusted to take care of something so tiny and helpless?  He </em>did <em>have a penchant for accidentally destroying things …    </em></p><p>
  <em> Michael, who had seen the dubious stare on Lucifer’s face, reasoned, “Don’t look at me like that, Luci.  I’ll bring him to the barracks with me every day, and Simeon even volunteered to watch him on days I have to go down to the Human World!  You won’t even have to see him!” </em>
</p><p><em> “The fact that I have to see him </em>isn’t <em>the issue,” Lucifer assured.  He rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  Simeon was an infinitely more responsible angel, and knowing that he was looking after Luke, too, </em> was <em>reassuring.  He groaned.  “Fine … I guess you can keep him here in the House of Great Elation.” </em></p><p>
  <em> The Angel of Destruction clapped his hands gleefully.  “Yes!  You won’t regret it, I prom—”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> However, his celebration was cut short, when Luke, who had realized that he had licked off all the sugary frosting on his manna cake and was left with a sodden biscuit, began wailing.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer could only raise an eyebrow as Michael sheepishly whisked the baby away from him, and put a finger over his lips to hush him.   </em>
</p><p><em> “Shh!  Shh!”  The angel noticed the offending manna cake in Luke’s hand and his eyes lit up.  “Oh, so you like sweets, do you?”  He perched the baby over his shoulder and began to walk out the door.  “Well, here, I’ll take you to Simeon’s—he makes this amazing dessert called ‘Simeon Rolls.”  They’re like spirals of baked dough with, like, an absolutely </em>divine <em>cinnamon filling </em>and <em>they’re covered in this icing stuff that you seem to like so much!  We kind of lost the recipe to humans—they’re dumb and took his name out of the title and call them “Cinnamon Rolls,” but the original Celestial Realm recipe is …”  His voice trailed off as the door shut behind him.  </em></p><p>
  <em> Lucifer shook his head and smiled, turning back to pilfer once again through the cabinets for a snack.  Perhaps it was good that Luke had found Michael.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> After all, this child seemed to be one of the first angels who weren’t absolutely petrified of the Angel of Destruction.  </em>
</p><hr/><p>“God <em> is </em> dead,” Asmodeus glowered, “because I’m going to kill Him.”</p><p>Satan cleared his throat.  “In that case, God <em> will </em>be dead, since you haven’t killed Him yet.”  He stared at the structure before them and frowned.  “But let me know when you do, because I want in on that action, too.”</p><p>“A hovel!” Mammon wailed. “He wants us to live in a <em> hovel!</em>”</p><p>Lucifer shook his head at his brothers’ tendency to overdramatize things.  However, as he turned his head to the house that their Father had chosen for them, he decided that for once, <em> maybe</em>, their theatrics were warranted.</p><p>The edifice that stood before them was paltry, compact<em>—</em>almost shoebox-like<em>—</em>with no decorative (or even functional) exterior furnishings that could draw anyone’s attention.  It was if the house, too, was ashamed of its meagerness, and had tucked itself away to be as inconspicuous as possible.  Lucifer would have been less surprised had this building been a stable for his Father’s Royal Steeds, rather than a home for seven adult males.  </p><p>“You’re sure that this is the place?” Lucifer raised an eyebrow at Simeon, who had been relieved of his duties for a spell to deliver the brothers to their new home in the Human World.</p><p>Simeon nodded sheepishly.  “Yes, this is it.”  He read the address from the paper of information that Father had given him, before slipping it into his pocket.  “35 West Orville Court, Cedar Bridge, Wisconsin.”</p><p>Leviathan scratched his head.  “<em>Please </em>tell me that we’re somewhere in Japan.  It’d be so cool to actually <em> live </em>in the country that some of my favorite anime and manga took place.”</p><p>“Unfortunately, no, Levi,” Simeon apologized.  “We’re actually in the United States of America.”</p><p>Lucifer sighed.  “It doesn’t matter <em>where </em>we are.  What matters right now is that there’s <em> no </em>way that all seven of us can share that small of a house.”  The other demons chorused their agreement.    </p><p>While he most certainly loved his brothers, he shuddered at the prospect of living in such close quarters with them.  Back in the massive House of Lamentation, everyone was usually off doing their own thing; the only time they convened as a family was to eat meals.  If this house was really as small as it appeared on the outside, then he would have to see his brothers with sickening regularity (perhaps “sickening” was a strong word, but …).</p><p>“I’m hungry,” Beel muttered.  “Is there any food inside?”</p><p>Simeon looked thoughtful.  “I’m not sure, but since we’re going to have to go inside anyway, let’s go check.”  </p><p>“I can’t <em>wait </em>to see if the inside matches the outside in sheer stupidity,” said Belphie, rolling his eyes as the group followed Simeon to the dull gray front door of the house.</p><p>The seven demons and angel huddled at the entrance, where Simeon fiddled with his pocket until he procured a single key.  He handed it to Lucifer.  “You’re the oldest.  You do the honors.”</p><p>Lucifer blanched.  Only <em>one </em>key?  The first order of business was definitely going to a locksmith to get copies made.  Shaking his head, he took the key, inserted it into the lock, and turned, revealing unto them the inside of the house that their Father had “graciously” granted them.  </p><p>As soon as he saw the interior, his eye twitched, and he had nothing to say but, “Who would like to go back to the Celestial Realm and kill a god for me?”</p><p>Ignoring the chorus of “me’s,” that came from the group, Simeon shook his head and spread his hand over the entrance.  “Don’t condemn it before you’ve set a foot inside!  Here, let’s take a tour.  And try not to judge the décor <em>too</em> harshly<em>—</em>some of the Junior Guardian Angels were in charge of the design and they were on a <em> budget</em>.” </p><p>“No kiddin.’” Mammon grumbled as Simeon led them across the threshold.  “This place is the pits.”</p><p>Lucifer had to agree.  The interior of the house from where he could see was sparsely furnished and the yellowish-white of the amenities gave everything a dingy air.</p><p>No sooner had they all stepped into the orange-carpeted entryway<em>—</em>which was so small that it could hardly fit the eight of them<em>—</em>Simeon took a sharp right.</p><p>“Since you mentioned you were hungry, Beel, this is the kitchen.”  Simeon gestured around the tiny room.</p><p>Lucifer raised an eyebrow.  This was it?  There was barely enough room for two people to stand comfortably, and there were hardly any appliances: simply a stove and a refrigerator, which Beel immediately rushed to.</p><p>“This is the smallest fridge I’ve ever met,” Beel sighed.  His frown grew even deeper as he pulled the door open, revealing it to be completely empty.  He looked down at his growling stomach, a fire raging in his eyes.  “Father will <em> pay</em>.” </p><p>“Oh dear, I figured that’d be the case.  It looks like you seven are going to have to do your first round of human grocery shopping soon,” mused Simeon, looking at the unfilled fridge.  “But more on that later.  In the meantime,” he pulled out from his pocket another manna cake for Beel, “here you go.”</p><p>Beel stared at the angel dreamily as he took the cake.  “Do you always keep those on you?”</p><p>Simeon merely laughed as he walked deeper into the kitchen, which opened up to a dining room of sorts.  Lucifer assumed that the room had been built for a smaller table rather than the massive one that could seat the seven of them which resided in it now.  He wrinkled his nose at the water-stained wood that they were to dine on and the understuffed yellow cushions that adorned the dining chairs.</p><p>After several scathing remarks on the abysmal state of the décor from Asmo, Simeon led the group past the petite dining room into the living area.</p><p>“At least there’s a computer.”  Levi pointed to a laptop that sat on a comically enormous desk and shook his head sadly.  “Although I don’t think it’s the kind you can game on.”</p><p>Next to the desk were two mismatching sofas that looked as if they’d been plucked out of the Victorian era, and across from them was a dark brown TV stand with an old, boxy TV.</p><p>“What <em> year </em>do those Junior Guardians think it is?” Satan demanded, poking the television suspiciously.  “Half of this stuff belongs in a different century!”</p><p>“Like I said,” Simeon replied sheepishly.  “They were on a budget.  Come on, now, let’s go see the rest of the house.”</p><p>“I don’t know if I wanna,” muttered Mammon.  “‘Cause if it’s anythin’ like what we just saw, it’s gonna be C-R-A-P<em>—</em>crap.”</p><p>Lucifer silently agreed with the secondborn as Simeon now took them down a hall attached to the living room.  On the right side of the hallway was a single door, which Simeon explained to them was a closet.  To the left were two more doors, one of which was a paltry laundry room (it simply consisted of a washing machine and a dryer stacked atop each other) and the other, a bathroom.  </p><p>Asmodeus screamed when he saw the smallness of it, and there was a collective tantrum when Simeon said that it was the only bathroom in the house and that they would all have to share it.  </p><p>The biggest offender of the house was the room that haunted the end of the hall<em>—the bedroom</em>. </p><p> Singular.</p><p>“How nice of the Junior Guardians to line up seven twin beds for all of us,” Belphie deadpanned.</p><p>Lucifer blanched.  From the outside, he had known that the house was small, but not <em>so </em>small that all seven brothers would have to <em>share a room</em>.  </p><p>He’d always accredited the seminormal peace in the House of Lamentation to the fact that each brother had had their own space, whether it be to cool off from an argument in, or just relax and take some time for themself.  In this house, there was no such space, and he could already envision the cesspool of conflict that their home would become.</p><p>“I’d rather live in the burning Tartarus that is the Devildom than here,” Satan decided.</p><p>Lucifer nodded.  “I know that we’re supposed to be demons, but Father is the real demon for expecting us to live in this shed.”</p><p>“I say,” said Mammon, “that we go back to the Devildom, anyway, and see if the House of Lamentation is still standin.’” </p><p>Simeon shook his head.  “Going back to the Devildom is impossible right now.  Because of this whole mess, Father’s shut down the border indefinitely.”</p><p>“Well, tell Him that we’re not staying here,” growled Asmodeus.  “We’re just going to have to get a bigger house.”</p><p>Again, Simeon shook his head.  “Don’t you see?  Father chose this place on purpose.”</p><p>“And what kind of purpose would <em>that </em>be?” snapped Belphie.  “To torture us?”</p><p>Simeon let out a body-shaking groan.  “Everyone, please sit down.”  He walked over to the dining table, and the brothers followed him begrudgingly.  “Take a seat.”</p><p>“These chairs aren’t too comfy,” Beel noticed, shifting back and forth in his seat.</p><p>“No kiddin,’” agreed Mammon.  “My poor rear end!” </p><p>Leviathan rolled his eyes.  “You guys are weak!  I’ve sat in gaming chairs far less comfortable than this for <em>hours! </em>”</p><p>“Why is he proud of this?” whispered Satan to Asmo.</p><p>Before Levi could snark a reply,  Lucifer hushed them by clearing his throat.  “If I recall, Simeon had something important to tell us.”  He gestured toward the angel, who nodded and pulled out the letter he had earlier from his pocket, as well as an envelope.  </p><p>“So first and foremost, I need you seven to fill out these forms.”  From the envelope, Simeon procured seven folded sheets of paper and handed them, as well as a pen to Lucifer.  “It’s just some information about your human persona.  From that, the Celestial Realm will have bank accounts and credit cards opened in your name, as well as ID cards made.  There’s only one pen<em>—</em>sorry<em>—</em>so, Lucifer, why don’t you just fill everything out?  We’ll start with that.”</p><p>“Okay,” said Lucifer, pulling out a form.  The first line asked for his “full legal name.”  As he was about to pen down, “Lucifer,” Simeon stopped him.</p><p>“Lucifer isn’t a common name in the Human World,” Simeon said.  “Perhaps just write ‘Lucius.’  That name is also not incredibly common, but at least it won’t get you as many strange looks.  And maybe as your surname put … eh<em>—</em>I’m not sure, actually.  You all need to have the same last name, so I suggest doing that last.”</p><p>Lucifer nodded and wrote what the angel suggested down.  The next few questions were simple<em>—</em>his height, his weight, allergies, blood type, medical conditions, and the like.  He filled out the form with ease and handed it to Simeon.  “Now for yours, Mammon.”  </p><p>The secondborn demon nodded.  “I want my name to be written down as ‘The Great Mammon.’”</p><p>After a round of groans from the demons, Simeon laughed and said, “Again, that’s not a human name<em>—</em>or at least, not an American one.”  Simeon rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  “What about ‘Marvin?’  It kind of sounds like ‘Mammon.’”</p><p>Mammon groaned.  “Ugh, that’s gotta be one of the lamest names, ever.  Why do I gotta have a name that sounds like ‘Mammon,’ anyways?”</p><p>Lucifer could see the logic behind the name, and answered, “That way, if we ever have to go out in public, it’ll be easier for us to remember what our ‘human name’ is if it sounds like our demon one.”</p><p>“Not that it matters for Mammon, ‘cause who’d want to go out in public with him, anyway?” snickered Asmo. </p><p>Mammon, whose face had turned a beet red, shook his fist at his brother and reached over the table toward him.  “Wait ‘till I get my hands on you, Asmo, I’m gonn<em>— </em>”</p><p>“—And now it’s Levi’s turn!” announced Simeon cheerfully.  “I suggest just keeping his name as ‘Levi,’ as that’s not <em> too </em>uncommon in this realm.”</p><p>Leviathan’s bottom lip trembled.  “You<em>—</em>you mean I can’t have a cool Japanese name like, like, Sasuke or<em>—</em>or<em>—</em>Ichigo?”</p><p>Lucifer stifled a smile as Simeon put his hand on Levi’s shoulder and said, “There, there.  Think about it, Levi; ‘Sasuke’ and ‘Ichigo’ don’t sound much like your real name, do they?  Why not make it easier on your brothers to remember and just keep your name as is?”</p><p>Leviathan consented by putting his hands over his face, muttering, “Why did I have to be named ‘Levi?’”</p><p>Lucifer pat his shoulder consolingly before flipping to the next sheet.  “Okay, Satan, your turn.”</p><p>The fourthborn demon crossed his arms and simply answered, “I’m keeping my name as ‘Satan.’  I’m not ashamed of it and don’t think it's necessary to assume an identity that I don’t have.”</p><p>Simeon smiled tolerantly.  “‘Nathan,’ it is.”</p><p>Satan’s face turned an unholy shade of red as he opened his mouth to berate the angel, but Lucifer cut in smoothly, “‘Nathan’ is good<em>—</em>sounds like ‘Satan.’  Next is Asmo.”</p><p>“I<em>—</em>I’m not goi<em>—</em>I refuse<em>—</em>no … ‘Nathan?!’” was all Satan could screech before Asmo chirped, “I’d like to be called ‘Adonis.’”  When the group simply stared at him, he gestured toward Levi, rolling his eyes.  “Oh, like ‘Sasuke’ was any better.  At least mine makes sense!”  He flipped his hair.  “I <em> am </em>the handsome Adonis of this group, after all.”</p><p>Satan, who had yet to recover from being given his new human name, darkly muttered, “Hopefully you get gutted by a wild boar like your namesake, as well.”</p><p>Ignoring Satan’s spiel, Simeon and Lucifer shared a look, before the eldest demon shrugged and wrote Asmo’s name of choice down.</p><p>Simeon turned toward Beelzebub and Belphegor.  “I’m sorry.  At the moment I can’t think of any human names that are similar to yours.”  He pointed behind them to the computer table.  “Perhaps you’d like to look some names up?  The internet is already connected<em>—</em>simply click the red-green-yellow circle icon and a screen with a search bar should pop up.”  </p><p>As the two meandered off to find suitable names for themselves, Simeon took the other forms that Lucifer had already filled out and reviewed them.  He nodded before handing them all back to him  “These look good, but Lucifer, you need to change all these allergies<em>—</em>more than half of the foods and plants listed here are all from the Devildom.  And ‘regurgitated by a giant sea monster pet and experiences minor movement issues’ has to go.  Getting eaten by a Kraken isn’t something most humans would live through, much less survive long enough to experience medical issues from.”</p><p>"It's a real issue!" Leviathan pouted.  "It's the only reason I'm bad at sports, I swear!"</p><p>Lucifer nodded, ignoring his brother.  He’d filled out dozens of forms for his brothers back in the Devildom, and he had just written in the information on these sheets as he had then.  He hadn’t stopped to think that not only would the names have to be adjusted to fit human standards, but the actual data, as well. </p><p>As he took the papers back from Simeon, the angel raised an eyebrow and added, “And I’d change your and everyone else’s birthdays, as well.  While June sixth is a <em> fine </em>date of birth, the year ‘when the universe was first spoken into being’ isn’t … entirely possible for a human.”</p><p>“Then what year are we s'posed to put, then?” Mammon asked, holding up his hands in confusion.  “Besides Satan, we were all born around that time.”</p><p>Simeon hummed thoughtfully.  “Subtract thirty years from the current year and then choose from that range a birthyear that symbolizes which order you were ‘born’ in.”</p><p>“I see.”  Lucifer kind of wanted to ask the angel how exactly old he thought he looked when he chose the number thirty but decided to not put him on the spot, considering how helpful he was being.  He corrected the last of the completed documents and turned to Beel and Belphie, who were still huddled over the laptop screen.  “If you two aren’t done yet, I’m coming over there.”</p><p>“It’s okay, I’ve made my decision,” Beel said.  He turned to his brothers and announced, “My human name should be ‘Oreo.’”</p><p>A buzz of agreement went up from the seven demons, but Simeon stared at the group with a confused air.  “‘Oreo?’  I’m not sure that’s a human name.  In fact, I believe it’s a brand of cookie, as well as a common name for pets.”</p><p>Beel shook his head.  “It can’t be.  I typed in ‘good names’ in the search bar and that’s one of the names that showed up.”  </p><p>“And it looks like the computer auto-populated your search with ‘good names <em>for dogs, </em>’” Levi, who had meandered over to the twins, read off of the computer.</p><p>“Aw, Beel, you’re just a great big puppy dog, aren’t ya?” Mammon laughed.</p><p>Beel looked down and muttered, “I didn’t know it was a dog name.”  He turned back to the screen to do another search and read one of the first names that popped up.  “How about … ‘Eli?’”</p><p>Asmo nodded.  “It has the same long <em> e </em>sound as ‘Beelzebub.’”</p><p>“‘Eli’ it is, then,” Lucifer decided, writing down the name.  He looked up at the seventhborn demon.  “And you, Belphie?”</p><p>“I don’t want any stupid human name,” Belphie said defiantly, staring at his eldest brother in challenge.</p><p>Lucifer put his palm to his face.  Why did he always intend to be so difficult?  “If you don’t choose a name, Belphegor, I’ll choose for you.”  When Belphie didn’t respond, Lucifer turned to Simeon.  “What’s the worst human name you can think of?”</p><p>“Any normal name spelled with ‘e-i-g-h,’” Simeon answered immediately.  </p><p>Lucifer nodded.  “That sounds terrible.”  He penned it down as Belphegor’s first name and turned to the rest of the group.  “It’s time to choose a surname.”</p><p>“How about LuciferNeedsToDie?” suggested Belphie, who glowered at the firstborn.</p><p>Satan grinned deviously.  “I second that.”</p><p>“I’ll agree to it only if we change it to LuciferIsAnEvilLord,” said Levi.</p><p>Lucifer shot his brothers a look.  “If you continue to talk like that, I’ll show you just how much of an ‘evil lord’ I can really be.”</p><p>“I have a suggestion,” Beel announced, still scrolling through the computer.  “Maybe a good last name would be ‘Daemon.’  It means ‘demon’ in Latin.”  </p><p>Lucifer tested the word on his tongue.  “‘Daemon.’  I like it.”</p><p>“A little obvious,” admitted Simeon, “but it’s not the worst.”  He took the last of the forms Lucifer handed him and the brothers watched in interest as he pulled out a few more items from the envelope.  “A few last things before I go.”  He handed Lucifer a shiny black card, pointedly ignoring the dreamy look Mammon gave it.  “This is my personal debit card for when I’m in the Human World.  It’s currently loaded with five hundred dollars for you seven to buy groceries for yourselves.”</p><p>“Five hundred?” Mammon exclaimed, his tan face paling.  “That’s not gonna buy as <em> anythin!’” </em> </p><p>Asmodeus’ brow furrowed in worry.  “For once, I agree with the scumbag.  We’d be lucky to get even a cheap bottle of hand lotion.”</p><p>Lucifer shook his head.  His Father had said that He’d send them “provisions,” but he supposed that he should’ve known that Father wouldn’t be much help.  He felt the pit of anger in his stomach grow; how incredibly typical of the Almighty.  How in the world were the brothers supposed to make ends meet with this meager an amount of money?</p><p>“Please don’t spend my money on hand lotion, Asmo,” Simeon pleaded.  “It’s for food only, right now.  And don’t worry, lambs, the only reason why it appears I’ve given so little is that U.S dollars are worth a lot more than Grimm.  One dollar is equivalent to twenty thousand Grimm.” </p><p>“So … essentially you’ve given us ten million Grimm?” Satan asked, his eyes widening.  “Simply for groceries?”</p><p>“Are you crazy?” Belphegor demanded.  “That’s not going to feed Beel for very long.”</p><p>Beel nodded in agreement.  “It’s true.”</p><p>“See, we in the Celestial Realm<em> knew </em>that your group of seven would have quite a few expenses, which is <em>why </em>Father chose for you such a small house.  He’s already paid for it so all you need to pay is property taxes and utilities, both of which will be quite low in a house this small in suburban Wisconsin.  That way, once you begin to start working and making money, as little of your income as possible will go toward the house.”  Simeon pushed the debit card closer toward Lucifer, who pocketed it before Mammon could snatch it.  “Father trusted you seven enough that you’d be able to find your way in this world, so the five hundred dollars is simply a gift from me.”’</p><p>Lucifer raised an eyebrow.  Could it <em>really </em>be that their Father had had their best interests at heart in assigning them this hovel?</p><p>The brothers sat in silence for a moment at Simeon’s words, before Asmo wondered, “Okay, I get the whole I-made-My-sons-live-in-an-actual-shack part, but if Father’s so amazing and wonderful, why doesn’t He make us live in an actually <em> nice </em>house, considering He’s supposed to be the ‘King of Kings’ and can do whatever He wants?”</p><p>“And how come he’s not actually <em>supportin’ </em>us?  Financially, I mean,” added Mammon.</p><p>Simeon laughed.  “Would you have accepted His help if He had?”</p><p>“Absolutely not.”  There wasn’t a note of hesitation in Lucifer’s voice.  His animosity toward his Father had subsided somewhat during this whole debacle but he would <em>never </em>forget the Almighty’s unfeeling and dead eyes as He hurled him and his siblings out of the Celestial Realm.</p><p>“I expected as much,” said Simeon, nodding.  “Anyways, here, taking Beel into account, I’ve composed a list of cheap but healthy grocery items to buy when you go shopping.  Some of the ingredients are already ones you’ve used in the Devildom, but there are some delicious new ones for you to try, as well.  Additionally, later in the week, I’ll come by and drop off an estimate of all the bills you’ll have to pay, as well as the credit and ID cards I promised earlier.”</p><p>“Simeon, how is it that you’re so knowledgeable of things in the Human World?” asked Satan.  “I thought all you did nowadays was guard the gates.”</p><p>Simeon smiled sadly.  “Back when I was an Archangel, I’d come down here, posing as a human, to direct and advise my little lambs.”  He gestured toward the debit card, which stuck out of Lucifer’s pocket.  “I’ve kept in touch with all the trends and changes going on in this world, should … Father ever reinstate unto me my former position.”</p><p>Out of respect for Simeon, the group bowed their heads and maintained silence for several moments, before Lucifer spoke up.  “Regardless of your status, thank you for helping us through this change, Simeon.  We’re all very grateful.” He turned toward his brothers with a stern look.  “<em>Aren’t we?” </em></p><p>“Oh, yeah, totally,” Mammon began, and the other five chorused their agreement.</p><p>“You’re very welcome.” The angel beamed.  He handed Lucifer the prospective grocery list, as well as another sheet of paper.  “This is simply a record of some potential jobs for the seven of you to take up, as well as some phone numbers to call.”</p><p>Simeon began to walk out the door, leaving the brothers to their own devices, but before he could shut the door behind him, Belphegor called out, “Wait—how are we gonna call those numbers?  I’m gonna assume our D.D.Ds don’t pick up any human cell service and besides, they’re all dead, and we didn’t get a chance to pack their chargers.”</p><p>The angel’s smile was strangely cryptic as he replied, “Ah, I almost forgot to mention.  Your mobile phones will be coming later in the week.  For now, use the landline that’s on the desk.  As for cell service—and internet also—it’s being provided and paid for by the Celestial Realm’s own private company.”  Without another word, he shut the door behind him.  </p><p>“Huh,” Mammon said.  “The Celestial Realm goin’ capitalist.  Never thought I’d see the day.”</p><p>Satan rubbed his chin.  “It’s pretty nice that they’ve decided to give us all that free of charge.”  He paused for effect.  “Almost <em> too </em>nice.”</p><p>“Guys,” Levi began, biting his nails nervously, “did anyone consider the fact that because the Celestial Realm’s gonna be providing us with their own internet and cell service that they might be able to spy on us?”</p><p>Lucifer’s eyes widened at the realization.</p><p>That … was a terrifyingly real possibility.  </p><p>He groaned.  <em> Just </em>when he thought his Father had relinquished some of His control-freak tendencies.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. One Problem at a Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The brothers struggle with assimilating to the human world.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know I said that every chapter would begin with a Celestial Realm Michael scene, but as I was writing this fast (totally forgot to update my fics), I couldn't think of a good scene to write, so, unfortunately, I shall skip this chapter's initial Celestial Realm scene.  I apologize.  Thank you all for your comments!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Satan raised his eyebrow at the establishment before them.  “Wal-Mart,” he read aloud. </p><p>“You think it’s like the old War-Mart retail chain back in the Devildom?” Belphie wondered.</p><p>Satan stroked his chin.  If this store was anything like the store at home, it would be an adequate location in which to shop for groceries, especially on a budget as they were forced to do now.  As the seven brothers had originally been dubbed the “Seven Rulers of Hell” and were very wealthy, they never had a need to frequent War-Mart, but Satan had heard of the store from one of his less-fortunate friends.</p><p>He nodded.  “I believe so.”  It wasn’t as if they had any other choice; Belphie and he had wandered the streets within a mile-radius from their new home, and this was the only store that they had seen.  “Let’s go in.”</p><p>Belphegor followed his brother, grumbling under his breath, “It’s just like Lucifer to put us two on shopping duty.”</p><p>He raised an eyebrow.  “I’d rather be out here shopping than cooped inside that hovel with the others.”</p><p>“I guess.”  Belphie shrugged.  “You have the grocery list, right?”  He pat his pockets.  “I have the debit card from Simeon.”</p><p>Satan bobbed his head.  “Yes.”  He unfurled the paper in his hand and read aloud the angel’s loopy handwriting, “Here are some economical foods from the Human World I’d thought you’d like!”  Underneath were written about forty different items, twenty-five of which Lucifer had taken the liberty of circling in red, for they were foods that were also found in the Devildom. </p><p>As the pair walked into Wal-Mart, Satan did a double-take.  Humans flooded every corner of the store, pushing around metal carts piled high with not just foodstuffs, but other household items, as well.  He raised an eyebrow as several people stopped to stare at the two demons who stood in the entryway.  </p><p>Belphegor leaned closer to him and whispered out of the corner of his mouth, “Satan … why are they staring at us?”</p><p>He remembered their new human names and hissed, “Call me,” he gagged, “<em>Nathan</em>.  And I don’t know … ‘Eigh.’”</p><p>“Don’t call me ‘Eigh,’” Belphie snapped back.  He turned to the left to scan the various products that sat at the entryway to immediately grab customers’ attention.  His eyes lingered on a box of toilet paper, reading the brand name.  “Call me ‘Scott.’”</p><p>Satan wrinkled his nose at the name, intent on chastising his brother for such an idiotic choice, but before he could say a word, the brothers’ attention was diverted by the sound of a camera flash.  Their heads whipped in the direction of the noise, and they stared accusingly at the culprit, who gave herself away with her raised phone.  </p><p>“Damn it,” the woman cursed, pocketing her phone and hurrying away.  “Forgot to turn off the ringer.”</p><p>With this, a crowd began to form in front of the demons—a crowd who whispered furiously amongst themselves loudly, saying “They’re so hot—they must be celebrities!” and “I swear that I’ve seen them on TikTok before!” and “I wanna take a picture with them and post it on Instagram!” Someone even ventured to mutter, “Wonder if they’d be interested in a threesome …”</p><p>“Belphegor,” Satan muttered under his breath, momentarily forgetting his brother’s human pseudonym, “we can’t shop here.”</p><p>“What choice do we have?” Belphie replied, backing away as the crowd drew closer and closer.  “There are no other stores around.”</p><p>Satan pursed his lips as more people began to whip out their phones and snap pictures of the handsome duo.  Getting photographed was <em>not </em>in their definition of “lying low,” and although he knew that this debacle would piss his eldest brother off to no end, the idea of self-preservation quelled even <em>his </em>most devious side.  “We have to put a stop to this.”</p><p>“You don’t think we should use our powers, do you?” Belphegor asked.  </p><p>“And cause this to be an even bigger scene than it already is?” demanded Satan.  He raised an eyebrow.  “No.  I have an idea.  Just play along.”  He gagged inwardly at the thought that had taken formation in his mind, but he knew it <em>had </em>to be done if he and Belphie were to shop in peace.  Satan puckered his lips, closed his eyes, and leaned toward the seventhborn demon.  </p><p>“Sat—Nathan, what’re you—” was all Belphie could ask before his lips met his brother’s.</p><p>Satan could feel his mouth fill with bile (He!  Was!  Kissing!  His!  Brother!  How!  Disgusting!), but he swallowed it down as he saw from the corner of his eye that the crowd began to yell shouts of aversion and start to disperse.  Some of the teenage girls stayed to ogle at the <em> “scandalous” </em>PDA and video-record the scene before they were yanked away by what he could only assume were their small-minded parents.  </p><p>As soon as he saw that the group had gone, he ripped his lips off of Belphie, scrubbing them voraciously with his forearm, while Belphegor dry heaved several times and covered his mouth.</p><p>“That was <em>disgusting</em>,” Belphie decided.  He scowled at his brother.  “Never do that <em> again</em>.”</p><p>Satan reassured, “I don’t plan to.  And besides, at least we got everyone to leave.”  He revealed the crumpled grocery list in his hand.  “Now we can shop peacefully.”</p><p>Belphegor continued to mutter obscenities under his breath as he followed Satan to get a cart. </p><p>The fourthborn scanned the grocery list as he pushed the cart down the aisle.  They had five hundred American dollars to spend on food and they had to buy enough to satiate all seven brothers, <em> including </em>the gluttonous Beel; they had to be economical.  The first item on the list that Simeon had given them was “apples,” so Satan reached for a bag of the cheapest kind and placed it into the cart.</p><p>“Lucifer likes apples, doesn’t he?” mused Belphie.  </p><p>Satan nodded.  “His favorite food are Princess’ Poison Apples.”</p><p>Belphie smiled strangely and lifted the bag of apples out and threw them back on the shelf.  “I’m going to guess he wouldn’t be too happy if we came home without his favorite food.” </p><p>Satan raised an eyebrow.  “In case you forgot, <em> I </em>like apples, too; apple pie is my favorite, but … I suppose I’ll make a sacrifice this once.”  He rubbed his chin pensively.  “And that gives me an idea.”  He showed the list to Belphie and nodded, smirking.  “Let’s use this opportunity to torture Lucifer and skip everything on this list that we think he’d like.”</p><p>“Sounds like a plan.” </p><hr/><p>Meanwhile, Lucifer scanned the list of prospective jobs that Simeon had given him.  </p><p>The angel had warned them that since none of the demons had college degrees, it <em> might </em>be harder for them to get any “serious” jobs—therefore, most of the jobs on the list simply called for “unskilled labor.”  Perusing the list caused Lucifer to wonder what humans considered “unskilled” for all of the possible jobs on the sheet still seemed to require prodigious talent and dedication.  </p><p>He had already marked that he would work at the local War-Mart—although in the Human World it was called “Wal-Mart—” and he figured that Satan would like to work at the Cedar Bridge Public Library.  Levi, who had whined himself to sleep when he found out that there were no Ruri-chan merchandise stores nearby, had already called working at GameStop, hoping that his salary would allow him to finally buy a gaming computer to use instead of the ancient laptop that had come along with the house.  Lucifer had no idea what kind of job would be fit for Belphegor, so he decided to hold off on choosing something for him until he returned from shopping with Satan.  </p><p>That left Mammon, Asmo, and Beel’s prospective careers to look into.</p><p>… And therein lie the headache.</p><p>“Beel, you <em>can’t </em>work at any kind of establishment that serves food,” repeated Lucifer, holding the bridge of his nose.  “Maybe in the Devildom it was okay for you to constantly munch on the food being served—no one would reprimand you because you were one of the Seven Rulers of Hell, but you can’t <em> do </em> that here.”  He stared at the sixthborn demon firmly.  “I will <em> not </em>have you work anywhere near food since I can’t trust you not to give in to temptation.”</p><p>“Yeah,” Mammon agreed, shrugging.  “If ya eat any of the food, they’ll prob’ly make you pay for it, and y’know we’re broke as fuck up here.”</p><p>Beelzebub twiddled his fingers, looking down.  “Fine, I won’t take the McDonald’s job, then.”  He peered over Lucifer’s shoulder at the sheet.  “Or the Wendy’s job.  Or the Chick-fil-a one.  Or the one at Burger King.”</p><p>“Wow, it seems that Simeon marked a <em> lot </em>of these jobs as ‘foodservice,’” Asmo observed.  He smiled.  “Good thing my job has nothing to do with it!”  He poked his chin cutely.  “Although I suppose they serve food sometimes in strip clubs.”</p><p>
  <em> Another headache. </em>
</p><p>“Asmodeus,” Lucifer bellowed, staring at the fifthborn.  “I already told you: you are not going to become a stripper.  That’s final.”</p><p>Asmo frowned and held up a fist.  “What <em>is </em>your problem, Lucifer?  I’ve done it before in the Devildom tons of times.”</p><p>The other demons raised an eyebrow at “tons of times,” and Lucifer rolled his eyes.  “You can strip as much as you want in the Devildom; it’s not frowned upon there, but Simeon expressly told me that it <em>is </em>here.  We are <em>not </em>going to be known as the family where one of the members is a stripper.  Think of all the negative attention it’ll draw.”</p><p>“That’s bullshit!” Asmo growled.  A black miasma began to surround the fifthborn.  Horns started to sprout out of his head and wings burst forth out of his back.  But before his demon transformation was complete, Mammon put his hands on his shoulders and gave him a good shake.</p><p>“Calm <em>down</em>, ya idiot!  You can’t transform here of all places.  People’ll see us through the windows!”  Mammon gestured toward Beel, who rushed to cover the closest window with his large form, for the brothers had yet to purchase any curtains.  He wrestled off Asmo’s arms as the younger demon tried to shove him off and said, “Come on.  I’m plannin’ on going into modeling down here like I did in the Devildom.  You like that kinda thing don’t ya?  We can both do it, y’know.”</p><p>Asmo glared at Mammon, finally succeeding in ripping his hands off of his shoulders.  He wheeled toward Lucifer.  “And that’s another thing!  How come you’re okay with <em> Mammon </em> going into something as prestigious as modeling, which will no <em> doubt </em> draw attention, but you’re worried about the attention <em> I’ll </em>bring if I become a stripper?”</p><p>Lucifer massaged his temple.  This actually was the first he was hearing of Mammon’s interest in Human World modeling, but he supposed that it was an appropriate career path for him, for looking pretty was one of the secondborn’s least annoying skills.  </p><p>“The difference is,” Lucifer began, “that here, modeling convoys <em>positive </em>attention while stripping brings the opposite, for humans are small-minded, as you are aware.  While I’d rather draw as little attention as possible, I can see where that could be seen as suspicious, so positive attention is all I’ll condone.”  He turned toward Mammon and nodded.  “But yes, both of you feel free to take up a modeling job.”</p><p>“On Simeon’s list here, it says that there’s only one position that they're looking to fill in the modeling agency he recommended,” Beelzebub observed, reading off the prospective jobs.  </p><p>Mammon and Asmo exchanged glances, before simultaneously shouting, “I’ll take it!”</p><p>“People will actually want to see my beautiful face instead of your ugly mug!” Asmodeus yelled.</p><p>“Oh, yeah?  Well, I ain’t got no other talents ‘sides modeling, so I actually need this job!” Mammon yelled back.</p><p>His fervor never waning, Asmo spat, “You have other talents!”</p><p>“No, I don’t!” </p><p>“You’re a very talented individual, Mammon!”</p><p>“Yeah, well, so are you!”</p><p>“You should take the modeling job!”</p><p>“Nah, you do it!”</p><p>Lucifer sighed at the pair, whose voices rose with every sentence.  He held the bridge of his nose, as he said, “You both can call the number for the modeling agency and see which one of you two they like better.  We’ll find another job for whoever doesn’t end up getting it.”  </p><p>He was also going to have to call to see if he could get jobs for his other brothers and himself, and Simeon had graciously provided numbers for them to call.  However … there was still the matter of figuring out if the Celestial Realm had tapped their phones and were also looking through their Internet searches.  To mitigate any trouble, Lucifer had forbidden anyone from using the phone or laptop until they could get solid information regarding the issue, unless it was for something important, like getting a job.</p><p>Speaking of jobs, he realized that now with Mammon and Asmo battling on who would be the model of the family, that left Beel (and Belphie) in dire need of work. </p><p>He turned toward the sixthborn.  “Any idea of a non-food-related job, Beel?” </p><p>“I don’t think so …” Beel muttered, still perusing through Simeon’s list of jobs.  He raised an eyebrow a moment later.  “Wait … it says here that there are some people close by looking for tutors in basic math for their kids.  You think I should do that?”</p><p>Lucifer nodded.  “Good idea.  Give them a call later, actually—I’m sure Belphie won’t mind doing that job, too, provided he’s doing it with you—see if they’d be willing to hire two tutors.”</p><p>Beel nodded obediently.  “So, I guess that’s it.  Everyone has a job, now.”</p><p>“Yeah.  Problem is,” realized Mammon, “that all of you guys who work close by have it easy.  Then there’s some of us who’ve gotta<em> find</em> a way to hitch a ride to our jobs.”</p><p>Asmo pursed his lips.  “He’s right.  We don’t have a car, not to mention licenses to drive.” </p><p>Lucifer sunk into one of the understuffed dining room chairs, running a hand through his hair.  “One problem at a time, Asmo.  One problem at a time.”</p><hr/><p>“I just wanna say,” Mammon announced, twirling a limp spaghetti noodle on his fork, “I think I understand why Solomon’s food tastes like crap.”  He dropped his utensil back onto his chipped plate.  “‘Cause <em> all </em> Human World food tastes like crap!”</p><p>Leviathan, who had just been relieved from his Ruri-chan-filled dreams a few moments ago, blinked sleepily and said, “MC was from the Human World and made good food.”</p><p>“Maybe stop criticizing my cooking and just eat your dinner,” Lucifer snapped.  </p><p>He blithely spun his noodles across the plate, secretly admitting that the Human World fare of spaghetti and tomato sauce that he had prepared for dinner paled in comparison to their usual supper courses of Scorpion Thermidor and Havoc Devil Crown Roast.  In his defense, he had never prepared meals with food from this world and had just used the recipe on the back of the box of bargain-bin spaghetti that Satan and Belphie had brought home.</p><p>Beelzebub grinned, eating his pasta straight from the massive stockpot that the Junior Guardian Angels had magnanimously purchased for them.  The other brothers had already taken their servings and the remaining thirty-two were left for Beel.  “I think you made a really tasty meal considering you just used two ingredients.”  </p><p>“There’s no seasoning,” complained Asmo.  “And it's not even pretty enough to post online.”</p><p>Lucifer raised an eyebrow in irritation.  “You can always go to bed without dinner.”</p><p>“And you’d miss dessert!” Beel gasped.  “Although … there’d be more for me, then.”</p><p>“Speakin’ of dessert,” Mammon said, “what’re we havin’?”</p><p>Lucifer grimaced.  He <em>had </em>been intent on trying to make an apple pie, but since <em>some </em>demons had thought it funny to not bring home any apples, he’d been forced to be a little more … creative, thinking carefully of foods that the two mischief-makers despised to incorporate into the dessert. </p><p>“We don’t have a large variety of ingredients to work with, so I modified a simple Devildom recipe for venom-infused vanilla mousse and made White Chocolate Mousse with white chocolate, heavy cream, and sugar.”  He looked directly at Satan and Belphie as he said this, for it was no secret that the pair didn’t take a liking to oversweet desserts.</p><p>Belphegor blanched at the statement, and Satan frowned, snapping, “That sounds completely unpalatable.”</p><p>All Lucifer could do was smirk as he went back to the miniature kitchen to get the mousse from the fridge.  He passed out the dessert, and turned to Mammon, saying, “Hearing you speak of Solomon earlier got me thinking on whether or not we should contact him.  I know I said not to bother MC while we’re in the Human World for their own protection, but Solomon’s a sorcerer, so perhaps he could be of service.”</p><p>“Yeah, he might even be able to help us figure out how information was stolen from Father’s omniscience,” added Leviathan, gagging as the mousse slid down his throat because frankly, Lucifer was <em>not </em>an exceptional chef.</p><p>Lucifer, who noticed this, mentally vowed to put Levi on cooking duty next for his insolence.  “Asmo, you were the one closest to Solomon.  Have you any means to contact him?”</p><p>“Ever since the exchange program ended, we kind of fell out of touch,” the fifthborn admitted sadly, shaking his head.  He tapped his chin.  “I <em> think </em>I remember his number, though.”</p><p>Lucifer grimaced.  He <em>really </em>didn’t want to use the phone unless it was <em>absolutely </em>necessary, but Solomon seemed to be their best bet in unraveling this mystery regarding their Father.  “Call him then.  Put him on speaker.”</p><p>Picking up his cup of mousse, Asmo meandered over to the landline.  He picked up the phone and clicked the speaker button, which was covered in a layer of dust, for he was the first of the brothers to use the phone in the Human World.  To their surprise, there was no dial tone and an automated female voice spoke out from the device.</p><p>“<em>Welcome to the Celestial Realm Cellular Service and Internet Provider, </em> ” the voice said.  “<em>This machine is preloaded with three contact numbers by Simeon the Gatekeeper for your convenience.  If you would like to hear them, press one.  If you would like to dial a different number, press two.  If you would like to speak to His Majesty, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Great I Am, the Good Shepherd</em>—”</p><p>“Sorry, I just pressed one,” Asmo said, rolling his eyes.  “She didn’t sound like she was going to stop listing titles any time soon.”</p><p>“<em>The three contacts saved to your device are as follows: press one if you would like to call Simeon the Gatekeeper, press two if you would like to call Luke the Junior Guardian Angel, press three if you would like to call his Imperial Majesty, King Solomon of Israel.” </em></p><p>Lucifer did a double-take.  It couldn’t be … could it?  Could <em>that </em>Solomon that visited the Devildom be the one and the same King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, from the Bible?  He shook his head to clear it of such foolish thoughts … it had been millennia since King Solomon had ruled over ancient Israel, and the exchange student Solomon was a youthful young man.  </p><p>“Wait a second—that can’t be our Solomon, can it?” asked Mammon, echoing Lucifer’s thoughts.  “I haven’t read the Bible in like, three thousand years, but I’m pretty damn sure that King Solomon died a long time ago.”</p><p>The group was silent for a moment before Satan snapped his fingers, his eyes widening.  “The pacts.”</p><p>“What about them?”  asked Belphegor.  </p><p>Satan rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  “We know the exchange student Solomon made hundreds and hundreds of pacts with demons.  Isn’t it possible that that was the same Solomon from the Bible, only he’s retained his youthful looks and even gained immortality, perhaps, with the aid of demons?”</p><p>“Only one way to find out, I suppose.”  Asmodeus shrugged.  He pressed the number three on the keypad.  </p><p>“<em>Calling his Imperial Majesty, King Solomon of Israel</em>,” the automated voice chirped. </p><p>Lucifer’s blood ran cold as the phone rang for a mere two seconds before a voice flooded the room.  </p><p>“May I ask who this is?” Solomon’s voice was overlaid with static, but the brothers could still very much recognize the low baritone of the former exchange student.  </p><p>“So Solomon really <em>is </em>King Solomon from the Bible,” Levi gasped.  “Roll infinity for ‘Did Not See That Coming.’”  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Information Overload</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The demon brothers call Solomon to aid them in their troubles and get a visit from the Celestial Realm's resident chihuahua.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Extremely sorry this took so long!  Also, thank you so much for all your wonderful comment and kudos~!!!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em> Lucifer adjusted his halo, which floated almost ominously over his head.  Halos were considered part of the angels’ “formal attire,” but considering Lucifer was constantly in the presence of Father, wearing something so ceremonial for his work attire seemed appropriate.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Michael, are you nearly ready?” he called, his voice reverberating through the House of Great Elation.  “You know Father doesn’t like it if I’m late.”  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> He checked the ornate gold grandfather clock that was situated at the edge of one of the many parlors in their home.   </em>
</p><p>
  <em> It was almost fifteen minutes until eight, and in that time, he and Michael had to walk to Simeon and Uriel’s home—Perfection Hall—and drop off the infant Luke on their way to their Father’s Palace, where Lucifer worked.  After that, Michael would meander his way to the Celestial Realm barracks, where he led Father’s legions as their Major General. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> “I’m here, I’m here,” Michael panted, running down the grand staircase which connected to his wing of the house.  He supported Luke, who was thrown over his shoulder with one hand, and in the other, he held his Sword of the Spirit.   </em>
</p><p><em> Lucifer cringed when he noticed that the rest of the Angel of Destruction’s Armor of God had been strapped on haphazardly </em> — <em> tightened and loosened at ill-fitting places, but he sighed when he remembered that all the soldiers under him were </em>far <em>too terrified of their Major General to ever point it out.   </em></p><p><em> He nodded at Michael.  “Let’s go, then.  Step lively</em>—<em>we’ll be late, otherwise.” </em></p><p>
  <em> The pair walked silently down the bustling streets of the Celestial Realm, which, sad to say, became infinitely less bustling when they saw Michael.  In fact, sometimes Lucifer wondered if his Father had gotten His idea of parting the Red Sea for the Israelites from seeing the wide berth that the other angels gave toward the Angel of Destruction. </em>
</p><p><em> Lucifer hated to say that he</em>—<em>and Michael</em>—<em>were used to this.  Used to the stares, the whispers, the glares, the hushed scathing remarks.  </em></p><p>
  <em>Even Luke cooed uneasily. </em>
</p><p>“He destroys everything he touches!”</p><p>“Love the guy, but you can’t keep him around.  The man carries an aura of destruction.”</p><p>“So powerful, but at what cost?”</p><p>“Who does he think he’s fooling with that puppy-dog attitude?”</p><p>“Why do we even need an Angel of Destruction, anyway?  He’s just a menace.”</p><p>
  <em> The words were a dagger, dull but piercing, toward the happy-go-lucky Michael, who had but nothing but love and friendship to offer his fellow celestial beings. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Lucifer heaved a sour breath as he and Michael made their way toward Perfection Hall. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> If it wasn’t for him and the Archangels, Michael would’ve been all alone. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> Or worse—ran out of the Celestial Realm.</em>
</p><hr/><p>Mammon bit his lip as the static-laden voice boomed through the landline base.  He hadn’t been asked to study the Bible or any ancient history regarding it since his stint at the Celestial Realm.  The only thing about King Solomon that he remembered from back then was that he was <em>incredibly wealthy, </em>and Mammon had always reveled in calculating how much the king’s possessions were worth—the sheer magnitude of the value never ceased to amaze him.</p><p>However, he also <em> did </em>remember something about King Solomon being the “wisest man to ever live.”  His heralded wisdom, supposedly, had come to him through a dream from God, Who had promised Solomon anything in the world.  Instead of choosing riches and wealth, the king had chosen wisdom.  Pleased with his request, God granted him not only the wisdom that he had requested but worldly pleasures as well, such as insurmountable wealth and power.  </p><p>… Why in the <em>world </em>would such a blessed and influential man pose as a menial exchange student and interact with demons thousands of years later?</p><p>Mammon lost his train of thought when Lucifer walked closer to the speakerphone and bellowed, “It is us.”</p><p>There was silence on the other end and the other five brothers exchanged glances—partially due to Lucifer’s vague response and partially because of the aforementioned quietness.  </p><p>Suddenly, a crackle came through the speaker and Solomon said, “Ah, I see; unfortunately, that doesn’t aid me in discerning your identity, and as I’ve a great deal of powerful enemies, I think I will have to say goodb—”</p><p>“Solomon, it’s me!  Asmo!” the fifthborn chirped.  He raised an eyebrow at Lucifer, who sighed in surrender and stepped away from the phone.</p><p>From the speaker came an audible gasp.  “Asmo!  It’s been a long time.”  Another crackle.  “I suppose that that was Lucifer just now?”</p><p>Mammon snickered and called, “That was him, alright.”</p><p>“I see!  Pardon me for asking, but why are you calling from this unknown number?  I believe I have your D.D.D contact saved still.”  </p><p>“Long story,” chimed in Leviathan.  “We’re in the Human World now ‘cause we think someone’s out to get us in the Devildom.”</p><p>Satan nodded.  “And we’re using this primitive human technology called a ‘landline’ to reach you, as we’ve yet to be provided with mobile devices.”  </p><p>Something crashed on Solomon’s end, and Mammon wagered that he must have dropped his phone in shock.  A moment later, the sorcerer’s voice returned.  “Did I hear that right?  You seven are in the Human World?”</p><p>“Yes, we are.  We called you because we have some questions.”  Beel walked forward so that he was standing directly in front of the speaker.  “What are the best restaurants up here?”</p><p>A confused mumble came from Solomon, before he answered, “Uh, well—”</p><p>“You can hold off on answering that one, for now, Solomon,” interrupted Lucifer, shaking his head at Beel.  “Rather, we figure you can help us solve a different problem of ours.”  </p><p>“And that would be?”</p><p>Lucifer took a deep breath, and Mammon had to admit that he’d never seen his elder brother look so stressed.  He was surprised that Asmo hadn’t scolded him over the wrinkle that was beginning to form between his brows.  “Diavolo and the Devildom are in trouble, and someone has stolen information regarding the culprit behind this entire ordeal from my Father’s omniscience.  Without it, we cannot find Diavolo or discern who is behind this.  You have ties to many demons, not to mention are a sorcerer—”</p><p>“And the primordial King of Israel!  Did you ever plan on telling me that?  I think I should know if I have a pact with someone as glamorous as royalty!” huffed Asmodeus.</p><p>Solomon let out an amused hum.  “Oh, so you figured that out, did you?  Did Simeon tell you?”</p><p>“Apparently he’s the one who set your contact into our phone under the name ‘his Imperial Majesty, King Solomon of Israel,’ so kinda, yeah,” Mammon said.</p><p>“Mind explaining how you’re some kind of immortal king?” demanded Belphie.  “Last time I checked, humans don’t live for very long.”</p><p>The sorcerer laughed.  “I suppose you know that I once asked God for wisdom in a dream, and as soon as I had it, all kinds of arcane knowledge regarding sorcery and magic, demons and angels, was opened up to me, and from there I learned about demon pacts.  One time I pledged my life to a demon—my soul for immortality.”</p><p>Satan rubbed his chin thoughtfully.  “If I’m following you correctly, wouldn’t that have to mean that you sold your soul rather early in your life to look as youthful as you do now?  Unless … you also managed to change your appearance entirely?”</p><p>“Nice catch, Satan,” mused Solomon.  “Actually, yes, it was quite early in my reign that I began to dabble in the dark arts and sell my soul, and yes, my immortality <em> does </em>prevent me from physically aging.  Ah, wait, that’s not entirely true—my hair is the only thing that continues to age, which is the reason as to why it’s as white as it is.”</p><p>“I really feel as if I ought to have been made aware of this!” grumbled Asmo.</p><p>Mammon put a hand to his cheek pensively, as the fifthborn continued to bemoan the massive injustice that had been done to him through this secret.  Something didn’t seem right about Solomon’s story.  As far as he was concerned, his Father <em>wasn’t </em>a fan of demons—that much He had made <em>very </em>clear—and there was no way that a person who consorted with them to the degree that Solomon supposedly had in the past would be remembered honorably in the Bible.  </p><p>But that <em>wasn’t </em>the case.  If he was remembering correctly, God had nothing but praises to sing of Solomon, and save for his singular mistake of having his heart led astray by his unholy number of wives, the king was revered and respected in biblical history.  He even had penned several books of the Bible, displaying his wisdom and knowledge. </p><p>That certainly didn’t line up with the current Solomon’s tale of occult dealings.  </p><p>Mammon shot Lucifer a look, and the firstborn nodded.  It appeared that he had made the same observation.  He stepped forward.</p><p>“Solomon, do you really expect us to believe that someone as perverse as you claim to be could be remembered so admirably in the Bible?  The words written in there echo Father’s thoughts verbatim, and there is no way that someone as obsessed with purity and light as He is could approve of your dark actions,” inquired Lucifer with a raised eyebrow.</p><p>Solomon chuckled in amusement but gave no reply.</p><p>Lucky for them, he didn’t have to, for Satan’s eyes lit up as he pieced the two shards of information together.  “You wanted to be remembered as a proper and perfect king for millennia to come, so you went in and removed all traces of your dealings with the occult from Father’s omniscience.  Because it’s all that Father knows, your memory in history now consists only of your good deeds.”</p><p>“And one bad one for realism,” added Solomon.  “Everyone makes mistakes, you know.  I can’t have humanity believing that living a perfect life is attainable, no matter what your Father says.”</p><p>Mammon felt as if his head was starting to spin with all this new information. </p><p>He realized … if Solomon revealed that the process of removing information from their Father’s omniscience was easy, then perhaps he could use it as an excellent business opportunity.  Who <em>wouldn’t </em>pay gobs of money to have their past mistakes wiped completely from the Almighty’s knowledge?</p><p>But maybe that was going too far … </p><p>Nevertheless, Mammon still had to ask, “So how’d ya do it, anyway?  Remove stuff from Father’s memory ‘n’ all?”</p><p>He could <em> hear </em>the irritating smile on the sorcerer’s face as he replied, “I’m not sure if I should tell you.”</p><p>To his surprise, it was Asmo who yanked the phone upward and yelled, “Solomon, don’t make me spank you—and not in the fun way, either!  That kind of information is the kind we need to go back home to the Devildom.  I can’t stay here in this stupid Human World for much longer!  We’re <em> poor, </em> and I have to share a bathroom—a <em> bathroom</em>—with these barbarians!”</p><p>Solomon sighed.  “Calm <em>down</em>, Asmo.  Fine, I’ll explain, but I doubt it’ll help you as much as you think.”</p><p>Lucifer gestured for the other five brothers to inch closer to the speaker, and Satan whipped out a notepad and pen from his pocket to write notes, as Solomon began, “Your Father is only as powerful as He is because He possesses three things that make Him so—His omnipotence, which means He has the power to do anything; His omnipresence, which means He can be anywhere at any time, and finally, His omniscience, which means He knows <em>all</em>.  Your Father has access to these three attributes of Himself at all times, but that doesn’t mean He uses them constantly—”</p><p>“Because He thinks that it takes the fun out of things—yes, we know that, Solomon,” interrupted Lucifer impatiently.  </p><p>Solomon coughed.  “Er—well, okay, then.  Anyway, these three attributes are considered separate from God Himself, as in, they have a separate location in His mind than His regular thoughts.  All you have to do is find a way to transport yourself directly into God’s mind where the three attributes are located, find the omniscience attribute, and then alter the information found within it.”</p><p>The seven brothers stared at each other in disbelief, before Levi moaned, “Oh, that’s all? You just have to teleport yourself into the mind of an OP deity?  Piece of cake.”</p><p>Satan snapped his fingers.  “Wait, since this feat appears to be so difficult to achieve, that should help us, since I’m assuming only a few people could execute it.  With such a small pool of potential suspects, we should easily be able to discern who was the one who removed the information regarding the Devildom’s destruction and Diavolo’s whereabouts from Father’s memory.”</p><p>“You’re right—but I wasn’t finished,” said Solomon, eliciting a chorus of groans from the demons.  “Teleporting into your Father’s mind is difficult enough, and even if you <em>do</em>, you’d instantly be marked as an intruder, because since everyone’s power pales in comparison to your Father’s, His mind can instantly recognize when something weaker enters it.  Imagine you have a soft lump of clay and somehow a stone gets mixed into it.  When you touch the clay, it’s easy to distinguish the stone because it feels so different from the malleable clay that surrounds it—that’s how it’s like in God’s mind.  Anyone that enters it immediately stands out because everything else in His mind is <em> so </em> powerful.”</p><p>Belphegor yawned.  “Do you have a point?”</p><p>“Yes.  The only way to blend into His mind undetected is if you yourself are powerful and combine your power with others who are just as powerful; that way you generate enough power so that you can not only cast a spell to enter God’s mind but also so that you remain unexposed in it.  I find the best combination of beings to combine powers with are angels and demons—at least one of each.  Somehow the potency of this combination is unprecedented.”  Solomon cleared his throat.  “Does that answer all your questions?”</p><p>Mammon scratched his head.  Powerful angels and demons were in abundance in both the Celestial Realm and the Devildom … that didn’t necessarily narrow down their number of suspects.  “Was it s'posed to?”</p><p>Solomon laughed.  “I guess not.  I told you me telling you things wouldn’t help as much as you think.”</p><p>The brothers exchanged irritated glances, before Lucifer, massaging his forehead, grumbled, “I suppose it’s better than nothing.  You’re dismissed, Solomon—” He ignored the protesting sorcerer as he clicked off the landline and turned toward Satan.  “Start making a list of all the powerful angels and demons back home and in the Celestial Realm.” </p><p>Satan grumbled <em>very </em>loudly, but obeyed without any other protest, as Mammon asked, “How’s <em>that </em>gonna help?  It’s not like we got a gauge that tells us what a powerful angel or demon is.”</p><p>“Yeah, calling Solomon was one of the most useless side quests I’ve ever done,” said Leviathan.</p><p>“Hush, you two,” scolded Lucifer, staring intently at Satan, who was voraciously making his list.  “I can already see the gears turning in his head.  If any one of us can figure this out, it’s Satan.”</p><p>Satan’s head whipped up at his words, a fire in his eyes.  “I see how it is—<em>stick all the work on the middle child </em>.”  </p><p>Before anyone could retaliate, a sound echoed through the house.  It sounded strange, like someone had rung a bell, and Mammon had to stop himself from instinctively leaping into Levi’s arms—which he considered to be very proactive of himself, for the thirdborn had a nasty habit of hurling Mammon into the ground whenever he did so.</p><p>The brothers, who had fallen silent at the sound, shrugged as a unit when they couldn’t discern where the noise was coming from, before Lucifer put his hand on his forehead and addressed Satan again, saying, “If that’s how you wish to see it, then—”  He was interrupted <em>once more </em>by the ringing sound.  “What in Father’s name is that?”</p><p>“Almost sounds like a cowbell,” mumbled Belphie.</p><p>Leviathan’s eyes lit up.  “Wait—I’ve got it!  I’ve heard this sound about a thousand times in <em> What To Do When A Big-Tiddy Anime Girl Is At Your Door But You’re Too Afraid to Let Her In Because She’s Glowing The Colors of the Entire Electromagnetic Spectrum</em>.  It’s one of those Human World doorbells!”</p><p>“Doesn’t sound like any doorbell <em> I’ve </em>ever heard,” Mammon said.  Didn’t all doorbells sound like the screaming of ten thousand souls trapped in a burning abyss?  Their doorbell in the House of Lamentation certainly had.</p><p>Lucifer gestured toward the fifthborn.  “Asmo, you go check the door.”</p><p>“Me?  Are you crazy?  What if it’s a murderer or something?  They’ll take one look at me and be so jealous of my beauty that they’ll kill me on sight!”</p><p>“In that case, you <em>definitely </em>should go.  Take Mammon with you, too.”</p><p>“The Great Mammon resents ya, Lucifer, for that!”  Mammon replied, glaring daggers at his elder brother as he walked toward the door, a sulking Asmo in tow. </p><p>As they neared the door, the bell sound rang through the house again, and the sheer volume there led Mammon to conclude that Levi was right—the sound definitely was the doorbell.  He yanked open the door, and immediately upon seeing who was behind it, slammed it closed.</p><p>He ignored the injured “Hey!” that came from the other side as he yelled toward his brothers, “Call Animal Control!”</p><p>Asmo laughed.  “Don’t call Animal Control on the cute little chihuahua.”  He turned toward the door and opened it, greeting the guest with a “Hello there, Luke.”</p><p>The young angel let out a <em> very </em>offended sniff, before walking through the threshold, pulling behind him a droll little white wagon.  “Don’t expect me to entertain the company of <em> demons </em> for very long, but Simeon said I should deliver these things to you.”  He gestured toward the parcels that almost overflowed out of the wagon bed.  </p><p>Mammon’s eyes lit up at the packages.  “Whaddaya got for <em> me</em>?”</p><p>Luke, who seemed to not have forgiven the secondborn for slamming the door in his face said, “Your box is at the bottom.”  Quietly, he muttered, “Hopefully, it’s all smushed by now.”</p><p>Before Mammon could snark a reply, his other brothers walked into the hall.</p><p>“Ah, welcome, Luke,” greeted Satan, nodding at the angel.  “I take it that those packages are for us?”</p><p>“<em>Please </em>tell me there’s a gaming console or some manga in there,” begged Leviathan, yanking a hand through his hair.  “The laptop we’ve got now can barely stream any anime and forget downloading any games—the thing’s <em> way </em>too slow.”</p><p>Luke’s eyes widened in disgust at Levi’s suggestion.  “O—of course, there isn’t!  The stuff Simeon gave me is all <em> useful </em> stuff.”  He began to unload the boxes off of the wagon, handing each brother a package with their name on it.  “I know Simeon said everything would arrive later in the week, but things went faster than expected, so.”</p><p>Mammon grumbled when his parcel, indeed, was all scrunched and squished at the edges.  Inside the bundle was a driving license, a mobile device that was creatively called “iPhone,” and various boring papers that were supposed to be bank statements (he almost vomited at the sight of them) and other official documents.  </p><p>Mammon gulped as he shuffled the contents together; seeing them made him realize that this was all <em>real</em>.  His brothers and he were <em>really </em>going to be living in the Human World, posed as humans, for Father-knows-how-long.</p><p>He could feel the bile rise in his throat, but he choked it down and shook his head.  What kind of <em>demon </em>was nervous about living with <em>humans</em>?  After all, one of his most favorite beings in all three worlds was a human, weren’t they?</p><p>Before he could ponder anymore, Beel gestured toward the last box in the wagon.  It was plain and unmarked and smelled of sweetness and love and joy and other generally unpleasant things for demons.  Nevertheless, it made all of their mouths water.  “What’s that?”</p><p>Luke blushed as he gently picked up the box and held it out.  “It’s—it’s not like I—I <em> baked </em> Heavenly Peace Petit Fours for you <em>demons </em>as a housewarming gift or anything!  I just happened to be making them for Michael and had some extra!”</p><p>Beel snatched the box out of his hands and immediately began chowing down on the delicate confections.  He pat Luke on the head gently mid-bite.  “Good doggy.”</p><p>Mammon could barely contain his laughter as Luke’s face turned a shade akin to the strawberry jam he’d layered between the petit fours and sputtered, “I—I am <em> not </em> a dog!”</p><p>“Shh, now, don’t tease him so much,” Lucifer chided, although a small smirk had formed on his lips, as well.  “We need him to answer a few questions, now, don’t we?”</p><p>Mammon raised an eyebrow.  “We do?”</p><p>He didn’t like the look on Lucifer’s face as the eldest bent low to reach eye level with the young angel, whose eyes widened in something that seemed to be a cross between indignation and terror.  </p><p>“Tell me, Luke,” demanded Lucifer, his voice low and as smooth as honey, “what you and Father and the other angels have to say about the<em> Celestial Realm Cellular Service and Internet Provider</em>?”  His eyes flashed red and Luke stumbled backward, dropping the handle on his wagon.  </p><p>“I—I’m not supposed to tell you,” gulped Luke.  The obstinacy drained out of his eyes and was replaced with pure, unadulterated fear as the eldest bared down on him.  “Anyone who’s not an angel isn't supposed to know that.”</p><p>Lucifer laughed, a menacing sound.  He inched closer, “Ah, but you’ll tell us, right?”</p><p>Mammon normally didn’t mind when Lucifer went full-demon on people, but … come on, Luke couldn’t have been more than ten in angel years … he was just a kid.  He put a hand gingerly on his brother’s shoulder.  “Yo, calm down.”</p><p>Lucifer whirled toward him, and Mammon’s heart sank in pity.  Beneath the glowing vermillion eyes, he could see it all.  </p><p>Fatigue.  </p><p>Desperation.  </p><p>Disappointment.  </p><p>Shame. </p><p>He understood.</p><p>In just a short period of time, Lucifer had lost his home and his beloved friend, was forced to bow to the aid of a realm that had abandoned him and so he despised, and was made to live in a place that was far inferior from what he was used to.  Solomon had been their only lead, and he had proven to not be much help.  Their only respite at this point was to get this little angel to divulge the only other information that they could hope to have.</p><p>Mammon sighed and pushed Lucifer aside—a dangerous move, he knew.  “Let me do it.”  </p><p>Lucky for him, Beel and Asmo were already restraining their elder brother as they tried to calm him down.  He turned to Luke.  “Look, chihuahua, ya really think we’re gonna feel comfortable knowin’ the Celestial Realm is spyin’ on us with that little phone company of theirs?”</p><p>Luke wrinkled his nose.  “<em>Spying </em>on you?  Why would anyone want to spy on a bunch of demons?”</p><p> “Why else would the Celestial Realm immediately make us use their cell service and internet provider?” argued Levi.</p><p>“Well, I guess you demons wouldn’t know this, since it was implemented after you guys left," explained Luke, "but the Celestial Realm Cellular Service and Internet Provider—we call it CRCSIP, by the way—is one of the many Celestial Realm-owned companies throughout the world—”</p><p>“So I was right,” Mammon interrupted, “the Celestial Realm <em> is </em>goin’ capitalist.”</p><p>Luke fervently shook his head.  “<em>No</em>, it’s not.  All companies owned by the Celestial Realm are there for <em>angels </em>and angels only.  They’re to be used free of charge for any celestial being since angels who are residing down on Earth are usually Guardian Angels who still need to purchase things for themselves but don’t work human jobs and therefore don’t have any human money.”  He kicked the ground.  “Father put you guys on one of the CRCSIP’s plans just as another way to help you out.”</p><p>Lucifer, who had calmed down a bit and now was flushed with embarrassment at his actions, coughed and said, “Unacceptable.  We never asked for this.”</p><p>“We’ll be takin’ the free stuff, though!” Mammon chirped.  </p><p>Leviathan ran a hand through his hair.  “All that doesn’t necessarily mean we still can’t be spied on.”</p><p>The angel grit his teeth.  “For the last time, who the heck would wanna spy on a bunch of demons?”</p><p>“The same person who’d destroy the Devildom with Hellfire and possibly abduct Diavolo and remove information from Father's omniscience,” Satan shot back.  He drew out his notepad and pointed to the column where he had been printing powerful angel names.  “Do any of these angels have access to any of the inner workings of the CRCSIP?”</p><p>Luke peered at the list for a moment.  “I’m just a Junior Guardian, so I don’t know much, but I’m guessing that the only one with clearance to the records and information like that would be … oh yes, he’s on the list—Michael.”</p><p>Lucifer blanched.  “Michael?”</p>
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